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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Urban Groovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 305
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2075



    Description:
       here is something light and different...
    i revised it from the first one i posted b/c i felt it lacked the proper feel of the Latin dance.
    i hope that you enjoy it...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUrban Groovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    He struts down Fifth and Lex
    a cavalier partisan of the urban mystique.
    With winged feet he grooves
    on sunbeams down the busy avenue,
    strikingly as a child’s prayer.

    He is humming freedoms lucid tune
    the rhythms hurling through the rigid morning air
    like zeusian thunderbolts launched from divine fingers.

    His jazzy rhapsodic voice embraces
    a trampled rose crushed beneath the prada wearing crowd
    hypnotically shuffling through the blistering noon exchange.
    He stops to admire the graffiti Madonna
    on the east wall of the corner bodega,
    before shooting some hoops at the public concrete court.

    His sumptuous eyelashes paint the Barrio’s dusky skyline
    with lush magenta swirls, trimmed with golden-topaz tones,
    against the vibrant lavender canvas of the evening.
    The silvery-purple nuances of his tantara timbre
    conjure the harvest moon with the accented
    whispers of a yearning Latin lover.

    Jiving down the concourse of domino matches being waged
    (illuminated by the fluorescent halo of the street lights)
    under the diamond covered velvet of the midnight sky,
    he lassos the senorita’s supple olive frame with his big rugged
    hands into a cross body lead yielding to a casino Rueda
    like the paws of a panther fiercely mounting a thick mossy tree.
    Her voluptuous body swaying in concert with the salsa breeze,
    their feet scorch the coble city pavement
    as they merengue amid the tenements.
    Their blazing eyes lock as he cuddles her curvy form
    gently against his heaving chest.
    Delicately he nestles a dark tiger lily
    within the mass of her raven tresses,
    as they crash like mighty waves against the defined
    shoreline of her back.

    The variegated dawn breaks over their sensual souls
    as their sultry lips rumba to the beat of the urban groove.




    Submitted on 2007-01-07 21:00:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice work here. Only suggestion is to eliminate a lot of ‘the’s, ‘he’s and ‘like’s to let the meaning of lines come through more clearly.

    He struts down Fifth and Lex
    cavalier partisan of the urban mystique.
    With winged feet grooves
    on sunbeams down the busy avenue,
    strikingly as a child’s prayer.

    humming freedoms lucid tune
    full lips parted like the red sea,
    rhythms hurling through rigid morning air
    zeusian thunderbolts launched from divine fingers.

    jazzy rhapsodic voice embraces
    a trampled rose crushed beneath the prada wearing crowd
    hypnotically shuffling through the blistering noon exchange.
    He stops to admire the graffiti Madonna
    on the east wall of the corner bodega,
    before shooting some hoops at the public concrete court.

    His sumptuous eyelashes paint the Barrio’s dusky skyline
    with lush magenta swirls, trimmed with golden-topaz tones,
    against the vibrant lavender canvas of evening.
    silvery-purple nuances of his tantara timbre
    conjure the harvest moon with the accented
    whispers of a yearning Latin lover.

    Jiving down the concourse of domino matches being waged
    (fluorescent halo of the street lights)
    under diamond covered velvet of midnight sky,
    he lassos the senorita’s supple olive frame with big rugged
    hands into a cross body lead yielding to a casino Rueda
    the paws of a panther fiercely mounting a thick mossy tree.
    Her voluptuous body swaying with salsa breeze,
    their feet scorching coble city pavement
    merengue amid the tenements.
    blazing eyes lock as he cuddles her curvy form
    gently against his heaving chest.
    Delicately nestles a dark tiger lily
    within the mass of raven tresses,
    as they crash like mighty waves against the defined
    shoreline of her back.

    variegated dawn breaks over sensual souls
    as sultry lips rumba to beat of urban groove.
    | Posted on 2007-01-18 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi john-paul,

    I think you could name this "a day in the life" and it's a beautiful description of someone who is happy with the life they live. You have done a great job of finding the elements and painting them in the reader's mind, in fact it all fits just right.

    My suggestion would be to tune up the rhythm and make it clearer.
    For example in the beginning two stanzas it's just right...

    He struts down Fifth and Lex
    a cavalier partisan of the urban mystique.
    With winged feet he grooves
    on sunbeams down the busy avenue,
    strikingly as a child’s prayer.

    He is humming freedom(')s lucid tune
    his full lips parted like the red sea,
    the rhythms hurling through the rigid morning air
    like zeusian thunderbolts launched from divine fingers.

    And then in the third strophe, the groove loses rhythm and it might even sink into the reader's soul with less detail. And this would be my suggestion: to make some choices about how you want this to flow. For example, I played lots of solos last weekend
    as drummer and i did nothing more than stay in the pocket and groove, but it communicated very nicely. At other times, I become more intricate, but I think for you this time calls for
    simple, hard-hitting groove.

    His jazzy rhapsodic voice embraces
    a trampled rose crushed beneath the prada wearing crowd
    hypnotically shuffling through the blistering noon exchange.
    He stops to admire the graffiti Madonna
    on the east wall of the corner bodega,
    before shooting some hoops at the public concrete court.

    His jazzy rhapsodic voice embraces
    a trampled rose beneath the prada wearing crowd
    hypnotized he shuffles past the blistering noon exchange
    He stops to admire the graffiti Madonna
    on the east wall of the corner bodega
    before shooting hoops at the public concrete court.

    And I really didn't change your meaning at all here, I just did a little subtle crafting that makes the rhythm more accessible.
    I think it belongs to a balance and poetry is a difficult one to find always. But do be careful in the last strophes because your descriptions are like a painting, maybe planned line breaks would be the ticket to making it flow. Beautiful, I think you're a painter, john-paul, thanks for sharing. I like the change in subject matter too, great idea. It should have opened up a whole new world about inspirations.

    Nan

    | Posted on 2007-01-12 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this JP. I hope you speak of your life! It is my sincere wish that someone, somewhere is enjoying a day such as the one described :O)

    What stands out is that the way you describe the elements of the experience. They are infinitely more rich and sumptuous than if lived or portrayed in a movie. It is a compelling advertisement for the benefits of creative writing; the sharing of moments where the appreciater can bestow a gift of appreciation that cannot be duplicated with other medium.

    Many thanks.
    | Posted on 2007-01-09 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
      For some reason I picture Antonio Banderas
    playing the lead in this one, most likely because
    I just watched the movie Take The Lead
    staring Antonio Banderas. I quite like this
    poem although it does approach the line of
    to much imagery or perhaps what I mean is
    some of the imagery is not concrete enough.
    Most especially in the fourth stanza you have
    a lot of colors for the eyes to feast upon but
    only a few words to tie the stanza together
    Now in the second stanza it is morning and he
    is throwing thunderbolts, in the third it’s the
    middle of the day and he is playing basketball,
    and you have handled the detail well leading up
    to there. Then I just get lost in all the swirly colors
    the first line is a good start I can see him painting
    the sky and all, I just have a hard time
    relating to all of the colors used just for colors
    sake maybe if the colors where related to something
    more that just the beauty of the sky
    like where you use them here “The silvery-purple nuances”
    in relation to the sound of his “tantara timbre.” since the color
    purple is a royal color this might relate to his princely stride.
    maybe if you related the colors he is painting to the emotions
    they elicit as he paints?

    anyway my confusion ends with that stanza the next stanza
    more than makes up for it. It is exquisite in detail full of life
    and overflowing with passion
    Dale
    | Posted on 2007-01-09 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]


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