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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: sleep. wake. repeat.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 866
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1343



    Description:
       dealing with what could be depression and stress/anxiety issues. meds and counseling? probably.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssleep. wake. repeat.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    sleep all day long
    don't want to move
    alarm clock sounds
    just press snooze
    waking every half hour
    with dejected thoughts
    missing you has become
    never see you again
    loved practices undone
    for lack of motivation
    don't want to play
    don't want to create
    just want to sleep
    sleep all day long
    don't want to move
    alarm clock sounds
    just press snooze
    waking every half hour
    with dejected thoughts
    feels like head in the noose
    razor to the wrist
    soul falling out
    with every breath taken
    every tear falling
    into shaking hands
    and sleep won't come
    sleep all day long
    don't want to move
    alarm clock sounds
    just press snooze
    waking every half hour
    with dejected thoughts
    to the rain that sounds
    tap-tap-tapping
    you're tapping on the window
    let you in and make love
    quietly because it's forbidden
    in the morning you leave
    and sleep finally comes
    sleep all day
    don't want to move
    alarm clock sounds
    just press snooze
    waking in a half hour
    with dejected thoughts
    it's time to get up and move.




    Submitted on 2007-01-08 07:04:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Criticisms: This poem is a snapshot of a depressed/suicidal/apathetic person but does not give us insight into the depression itself. This sounds like a really bad case of cabin fever but I know its not. Tell us what this person is going through? Boyfriend leave? Demanding parents? Getting evicted tomorrow? There’s different kinds of depression. What dejected thoughts? Everyone has these feelings but it’s the rationale behind them that defines the depression.

    Praises: The language is unimaginative – but that’s good for the mood of this piece. An apathetic person won’t take time to write something with pretty words. The poem does a solid roller coaster effect by starting out sad then moving to crazy suicidal and the back to sad. Typical emotions for this state of mind. The poem overall communicates depression well.

    Overall: © – most folks won’t care for the direct language but I think it fits perfectly with the poem. However, you GOT to tell us why this person is down and out. Also tell us if there is anyone to help them – if not, why not? Paint the picture.
    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      There really was no rythm to this piece. You had some with these few lines,

    "and sleep won't come
    sleep all day long
    don't want to move
    alarm clock sounds
    just press snooze"

    but other then that, everything's really jumbled and messy. I don't know if that was the effect you were going for? Maybe it was, cuz I know that that's what anxiety feels like, messy and jumbled, and depression just feels hopeless, which is what the other emotion was that I got from this piece...

    I don't know...

    If you need to talk, let me know? I know i'm a stranger, but who knows, maybe i could help?

    Lia
    | Posted on 2007-01-08 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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