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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Xtabaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 234
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 608
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1508



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsXtabaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    My chest revels in drowsy numbness
    as I traverse the deep forest's mossy ways.
    I creep through a land of eternal summer.
    A heavy scent of orchids and hibiscus
    bleeds longing into moist air.

    Leaden-eyed yet full of wonder
    I marvel at a poison-dart tree frog,
    so startling in his red and blue.
    Who would dare disturb his toxic rest
    unless he wishes to go early into the night.
    Fer-de-lance and Eye-lash-viper so very
    deadly it is true, even they wont mess with him.

    In this great underworld of shade death sports
    such brilliant colors, a grand Mardi Gras
    of contradictions so peaceful and alive.
    It would be so easy to let go, to be lulled
    into unwary misadventure. Here I see no
    absolute, only graceful curves disappearing
    into tangled growths, the renewal of life
    through decay.

    This would be such a pleasant
    place to stay. My own dome of pleasure
    where I might meander forever through
    a sacred maze.

    Somewhere in these depths
    Mayan gods slumber and the ghost of Blood
    Woman fills her net with corn. I dream
    of a cross-eyed princess. She burns my
    heart on her sacred altar. Would I not
    gladly whisper her message to her god?

    Now I float along a wisp of smoke,
    ever deeper into the gloom, soon,
    something is sure to devour me.




    Submitted on 2007-01-08 07:33:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      "My chest revels in drowsy numbness "

    This is the only line in the whole poem I don’t like.
    I do not feel engagement when I read it, ….”my chest revels”…I think if you want to use those same words I would prefer something more personal, something that takes me inside….

    ”a drowsy numbness revels in my chest”

    I can feel that. It makes me believe that what follows has really affected the narrator.

    as I traverse the deep forest's mossy ways
    creeping, through a land of eternal summer; a heavy scent of orchids and hibiscus bleeds longing into moist air.

    I love the use of words like creeping and bleeds to offset the tone. They add a lush action which brings to life the mesmerizing effect of the rest.

    Leaden-eyedyet full of wonder, I marvel at a poison- dart tree frog, so startling, in his red and blue.Who would dare disturb his toxic restlest he wished to go early into the night.Fer-de-lance and Eye-lash-viper, so verydeadly it is true; even they wont mess with you.

    This line I think the last word needs to be changed from “you” to “him” because I think the “you” is still referring to the toxic tree frog….(and the change of viewpoint from the earlier version of the poem.)

    In this great underworld of shades, death sports
    such brilliant colors, a grand Mardi Gras of contradictions, so peaceful and alive.
    It would be so easy to let go, to be lulled
    into unwary misadventure. Here I see no
    absolute, only graceful curves disappearing
    into tangled growths, the renewal of life
    through decay—this would be such a pleasant place to stay. My own dome of pleasure
    where I might meander forever through
    a sacred maze. Somewhere in these depths Mayan gods slumber, the ghost of Blood
    Woman fills her net with corn. I dream
    of a cross-eyed princess. She burns my
    heart on her sacred altar. Would I not
    gladly whisper her message to her god?
    Now I float along a wisp of smoke,
    ever deeper into the gloom, soon,
    something is sure to devour me.


    I am lulled and enthralled by the sound of this poem, by the description of this place, the beauty, the mythical power and the danger takes hold and makes me want to see this place for myself.~chris
    | Posted on 2007-01-26 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]


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