Unfaithful Temptress
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Description:
The first of many based on the "Daughters of venus". Any feedback welcomed.
Unfaithful Temptress
In the Kingdom of the Living There are many without the protruding member Some say they are so many That for every member there are plenty All of them beautiful but pretty in their own way On your journey through the kingdom’s fertile lands You will encounter mountains high and steep Only the sober dare travel that way It is filled with hidden chambers and crevices Great is the reward of those that reach the summit There is less dangerous travel in this empire The roads along the valley A word of caution though Along these seemingly harmless paths You will encounter the Daughters of Venus These are without doubt The kingdom’s most desired creatures Blessed with skin-deep beauty But terribly vile They will have you thrown to the crocodiles Dare I say Nile The most venomous of the daughters Are those that parade in scarlet cloth With their enchanting looks and hypnotic gaze They will lure a member to there place of rest While betrothed to another their limits they will test Travel gallantly and taste the waters if you must Just heed the poison of the Unfaithful Temptress For members who willingly take part Will surely wear a heavy heart |
Submitted on 2007-01-09 08:11:46 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments
| I don’t know what is wrong with my PC. This is the third time that I am trying to write a feedback. I hope it works this time. I like the piece; it has very nice imagery’s. I think Crutch has said everything about the rhyme scheme and I do agree with him. I must say it is more like a story to me. The most venomous of the daughters Are those that parade in scarlet cloth With their enchanting looks and hypnotic gaze They will lure a member to there place of rest While betrothed to another their limits they will test That is my favourite stanza. On the whole it was an enjoyable read. With love sanam | Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ] | overall assessment? I think it is good but needs some work to bring it fully into focus. I am bothered a bit by the absense of rhyme in the first three stanzas and the inclusion of rhyme in the last three. Seems to me it should be one or the other, personally I think the first three work better, but I also like the humor of stnza four with vile ... crocodiles ... Nile. I'm not sure if the humor helps the overall tone, but I think it's okay, the piece doesn't seem to be taking an ultra serious stance. | I like the narrative style. good write -crutch | Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by Crutch | [ Reply to This ] | |
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