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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unfaithful Temptressdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1443



    Description:
       The first of many based on the "Daughters of venus". Any feedback welcomed.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnfaithful Temptressdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the Kingdom of the Living
    There are many without the protruding member
    Some say they are so many
    That for every member there are plenty
    All of them beautiful but pretty in their own way

    On your journey through the kingdomís fertile lands
    You will encounter mountains high and steep
    Only the sober dare travel that way
    It is filled with hidden chambers and crevices
    Great is the reward of those that reach the summit

    There is less dangerous travel in this empire
    The roads along the valley
    A word of caution though
    Along these seemingly harmless paths
    You will encounter the Daughters of Venus

    These are without doubt
    The kingdomís most desired creatures
    Blessed with skin-deep beauty
    But terribly vile
    They will have you thrown to the crocodiles
    Dare I say Nile

    The most venomous of the daughters
    Are those that parade in scarlet cloth
    With their enchanting looks and hypnotic gaze
    They will lure a member to there place of rest
    While betrothed to another their limits they will test

    Travel gallantly and taste the waters if you must
    Just heed the poison
    of the Unfaithful Temptress
    For members who willingly take part
    Will surely wear a heavy heart








    Submitted on 2007-01-09 08:11:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I donít know what is wrong with my PC. This is the third time that I am trying to write a feedback.
    I hope it works this time.

    I like the piece; it has very nice imageryís. I think Crutch has said everything about the rhyme scheme and I do agree with him.

    I must say it is more like a story to me.

    The most venomous of the daughters
    Are those that parade in scarlet cloth
    With their enchanting looks and hypnotic gaze
    They will lure a member to there place of rest
    While betrothed to another their limits they will test

    That is my favourite stanza.

    On the whole it was an enjoyable read.

    With love sanam
    | Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      overall assessment? I think it is good but needs some work to bring it fully into focus. I am bothered a bit by the absense of rhyme in the first three stanzas and the inclusion of rhyme in the last three. Seems to me it should be one or the other, personally I think the first three work better, but I also like the humor of stnza four with vile ... crocodiles ... Nile. I'm not sure if the humor helps the overall tone, but I think it's okay, the piece doesn't seem to be taking an ultra serious stance.

    I like the narrative style.

    good write -crutch
    | Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by Crutch | [ Reply to This ]


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