In the Kingdom of the Living
There are many without the protruding member
Some say they are so many
That for every member there are plenty
All of them beautiful but pretty in their own way
On your journey through the kingdom’s fertile lands
You will encounter mountains high and steep
Only the sober dare travel that way
It is filled with hidden chambers and crevices
Great is the reward of those that reach the summit
There is less dangerous travel in this empire
The roads along the valley
A word of caution though
Along these seemingly harmless paths
You will encounter the Daughters of Venus
These are without doubt
The kingdom’s most desired creatures
Blessed with skin-deep beauty
But terribly vile
They will have you thrown to the crocodiles
Dare I say Nile
The most venomous of the daughters
Are those that parade in scarlet cloth
With their enchanting looks and hypnotic gaze
They will lure a member to there place of rest
While betrothed to another their limits they will test
Travel gallantly and taste the waters if you must
Just heed the poison
of the Unfaithful Temptress
For members who willingly take part
Will surely wear a heavy heart
I don’t know what is wrong with my PC. This is the third time that I am trying to write a feedback.
I hope it works this time.
I like the piece; it has very nice imagery’s. I think Crutch has said everything about the rhyme scheme and I do agree with him.
I must say it is more like a story to me.
The most venomous of the daughters
Are those that parade in scarlet cloth
With their enchanting looks and hypnotic gaze
They will lure a member to there place of rest
While betrothed to another their limits they will test
overall assessment? I think it is good but needs some work to bring it fully into focus. I am bothered a bit by the absense of rhyme in the first three stanzas and the inclusion of rhyme in the last three. Seems to me it should be one or the other, personally I think the first three work better, but I also like the humor of stnza four with vile ... crocodiles ... Nile. I'm not sure if the humor helps the overall tone, but I think it's okay, the piece doesn't seem to be taking an ultra serious stance.
Submission Name: Unfaithful Temptress
