under the stars
face wrapped around a new moon
gone like the tide
our names forever;
deeper still
gods make room
suns blink
drums sing
primal
your name in stone
thousands to go
This piece is evocative, and a sure sign of your affection for Michael. Using common motifs like stars and the moon and all that, you still manage to make this your own. I guess it's the last line which wraps it all up, yet makes it ambiguous and open-ended, which is good.
I like the way you've lineated this, but it could also be spaced out to flesh out the rhythm a bit more, I guess... like so (just what I thought):
under the stars
face wrapped around
a new moon
gone like the tide
our names forever;
deeper still
gods make room
suns blink drums
sing primal
your name in stone
thousands to go
Just a thought, so there you go. Overall, precise yet... encompassing.
i think the title is appropriate for this one...i can imagine myself too, looking up at the night sky...my mind mumbling and stumbling upon words that are supposedly worth worlds..although i dont really know what ur talking about! if thats how you meant it to be then very effective work..hehe:)
P.S. iv read almost all your works and each time a page loads,i just want to throw right up. i am most disgusted by that photo of a rat slapped onto slices of bread...but hey! i say what a way to lose some weight right? lol
Submission Name: [unnamed]
