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i want to cry too (rev)


Author: punn
Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 26 /36 /12
Words: 143
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1113
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 902



Description:


I tweeked it a little bit for flow and effect.


i want to cry too (rev)



When you get home,
write someone loves me
on your mirror,
put my initials up.
Always believe that,
Always know it’s true.

When you get home,
send me your address,
I have a pillow to send to you.
Blue and long,
I held it in my arms,
maybe you can too.

When you get a phone,
remember my calls,
how my voice comforted you.
I’ll be looking at mine,
the one that is blue.

When you get a phone,
hold it in your hand.
I’m on the other end,
wishing i could talk to you
once again.
Hiding under my blanket,
With my eyes focused on you.

When you want to cry,
go look in the mirror.
Get under your blanket.
Hug your pillow.
Take the phone.
I want to cry too.




Submitted on 2007-01-11 13:34:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I dissagree on Crutch on the reversing of the first two lines.

"I’ll be looking at mine,
the one that is blue."

The last line there sounds a bit funny... Don't know why, just does.

And watch you're capitalization.

That was a very good write. I think I'm going to favourite it.
| Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the originality here and the way the piece weaves in and back and aroound on itself. the last stanza gives me a little trouble, not sure it is important, but the logic is not right and it seems to me the rest of the poem is quite logical, emotional, intriguing and logical.

When you want to cry,
go look in the mirror.
Get under your blanket.
Hug your pillow.
Take the phone.
i want to cry too.

how about reversing the first two lines

When you look in the mirror
and want to cry
Get under your blanket
etc.

also, nits I know, but capitalize the I's unless there is a specific reason not too.


i liked the punch in these lines

I’m on the other end,
wishing i could talk to you
once again.
Hiding under my blanket,


good write -crutch
| Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by Crutch | [ Reply to This ]


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