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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: From the mouths of the deaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Amanda Lynn
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 332/193/56
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 981
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 839



    Description:
       <shrug>


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFrom the mouths of the deaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I woke up to darkness, distressed.
    I woke up to emptiness.
    I screamed for help,
    dialed 911,
    the dispatcher in my head
    put me on hold,
    left me for dead.
    The silence deafens
    even the quietest of souls.
    There is an aching
    in the pit pf my stomach
    and the bottom of my fingertips.
    My hair flying about like the wings of crows
    and alone I sing
    while the silence brings
    me closer to where I started
    instead of the direction I was headed.
    My feet shuffle about,
    like feet will do,
    when turned inside out.
    I see things that only darkness brings
    and hear only the lies,
    said so beautifully,
    like only lies can be said
    when gently bled
    out of the mouths of the dead.




    Submitted on 2007-01-11 16:21:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hey- this is interesting. I liked the beginning (though perhaps, to keep the tense, it should be 'screamed').

    I liked the crows/hair similie, it reminded me of the intro to Lain (which is also about a lost-feeling girl).

    I also liked "from the mouths of the dead." The title was what drew me to this one in particular. It seems very surreal- her feet are turned inside out and shuffle about, and other strange things that just seem to happen. Though I want to know why they happened, well, I suppose the narrator would like to know as well. Her reactions are normal when comfronted with a surreal world. A few little typos, but nothing that can't be taken care of. Thanks.
    | Posted on 2007-01-25 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      the beggining was really captivating, i really wanted to know why the character was stressed out, and as i continued reading your words filled me with so much emotion. especially the last third of them poem. there were so many incredible lines, a few of my favorites were:

    I see things that only darkness brings
    and hear only the lies,
    said so beautifully,
    like only lies can be said

    and

    while the silence brings
    me closer to where I started
    instead of the direction I was headed.

    great job amanda,

    - kase
    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by kase | [ Reply to This ]
      Amanda,
    I am falling in love with your poetry. I have not commented as many of your pieces as I should but I have read the majority of them when I am able. You are an excelent writer. Now to the piece at hand. This is a wonderful piece full of great images that send chills up the spines of the average person. sandman said below that this is what he sees in the future for the world for real, but I think that this piece takes a particular part of your life and relates that nightmare on a level all it's own.

    Great Write,
    Mike
    | Posted on 2007-01-17 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      While the poem has a narrative style of realism the elements of it point into a literally opposite direction - surrealism. This could be a complex piece if there's a metaphore behind it. If not it's still very well elaborated. When I say elaborated my main focus is on your language usage, the idealistic approach and the interactive atmosphere that can be taken as noir, dark or depressed, depending on the perspective. As criticism,
    I see no faults, it's a very good poem.
    | Posted on 2007-01-16 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      hey hi i liked the idea behind this i think it discibes the world to come when the streets get worse from all the violence of war

    great write

    sandman
    | Posted on 2007-01-12 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]


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