Burn the feelings
Burn the hurt
Burn the pain beneath your shirt
The pain in your heart
The pain in your soul
Eating you, killing you, burning a hole
A hole in your mind and sanity
Soon you won't know reality
From all of the stress
And all of the craze
You can't see
Through all of the haze.
The fog of Darkness
The haze of Death
Can't take a breath.
Burn the anger
Burn the rage
Burn the bars of your imaginary cage
The prison that's confined you
In your mind for decades old
Uselessly rattle the chains that bind you
You've never felt so alone and cold.
Burn the love
Burn the life
Burn the hate
Burn the strife.
Don't think that I can't see you cry
Cry as you suffocate, cry as you die.
| This is awesome. I really like this piece a lot. A few of the rhymes felt a little weak, and I think that might have caused a little tension in it, but overall it was very good.|
The only negative thing that really stood out to me was:
"Burn the pain underneath your shirt"
That line felt kind of strange.
Id suggest changing it to something a little different. Either by modifying the rhyme word "shirt", or possibly by changing "underneath" to "beneath."
Im not sure.
I will leave that up to you if you want to change anything.
Anyways, this is really cool.
I really liked this a lot!
Keep up the excellent writing!
|| Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ] || Interesting, quite. I found it very thought provoking. It's almost as if emotions were piled together into an odd emotion. I suppose I'd see it as hopeless-hate. It seems to a point that you feel helpless so screw it all, then it seems like you hope another shares your pain and takes the fall with you. Good job, very interesting.|
Overall, one of the most mind opening readings. Not that it is profound, but it stretches your mind to find the writer's, your emotion. It had good flow from line to line, I had no problem staying with it. Phenomenal job, don't see something like it everyday.
|| Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by djtswing | [ Reply to This ] |