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    dots Submission Name: I Can't Make You Realdots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 494
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 599

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    dotsI Can't Make You Realdots

    I can't make you real
    You, with your head of stone.
    I tried to give you life
    And you left me alone

    I can't make you real
    I can't make flesh from glass
    I tried to give you warmth
    But the ice just melts too fast

    I can't make you real
    You just weren't meant to be
    I can't take your frozen heart
    And cause it to love me

    I can't take your plastic hands
    And cause them to feel
    I've tried as hard as I can
    But I can't make you real.

    Submitted on 2007-01-14 16:19:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      first of all, i should say that its an excellent poem. there was only one thing that bugged me a bit and that was the fact that you go from comparing something to stone, then to glass, and then the last two to ice/cold.

    my suggestion would be to either make all of them something different, or make them all the same. personally i like the idea of all of them being different because
    "I can't make flesh from glass"
    was by far my favorite line.

    again, good job.
    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by Nero_s Decay | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great. Excellent piece of writing!
    I really like it. The only problem I had was with this line:

    "I can't take your frostbitten hands"

    It doesnt really seem to flow very well with the lines after... I suggest slighlty modifying it.

    Other than that, this poem is excellent.

    Great job!

    Keep up the writing.
    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ]

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