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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Am......dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AngelinDisguise
    ASL Info:    23/F/AUS
    Elite Ratio:    2.23 - 133/171/100
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 754
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 487



    Description:
       I guess this poem is all about the diffrent ways i see myself.........


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Am......dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am a poet writing of my pain
    a person living a life of shame
    your daughter hiding my depression
    your sister making a good impression
    your friend acting like im fine
    a wisher wishing this life weren't mine
    a girl who thinks of suicide
    a teenager pushing her tears aside
    a student who doesnt have a clue
    the girl sitting next to you
    the one asking you to care
    your girlfriend hoping youll be there




    Submitted on 2007-01-14 17:55:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like your simplicity here, I do think that a few things could make this poem sound an little better though.

    If you don't mind I have a few suggestions.

    I think the first line "I am" reeks a little of arrogance.
    To say "I am this" seems too self assured, I believe and " I feel I am..." a "To me I am..." or even a toning down such as " I am but/just a..."

    I think the "your" prefix to the subsequent lines make this a very personal poem yet the other lines are as if you are explaining to a stranger.
    In my opinion the yours would sound better written still as an "A" (until the last line obviously)

    Also, did you use "weren't" intentionally in the wrong context? It put me off the reading so much, I kept going back to reread the line between each one after to see if I read it wrong.

    I think this has the potential to be a really nice little poem.
    It just needs touching up.
    | Posted on 2007-09-21 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      im am sooooooooooo gunna stalk you!
    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by 2xhatedxsoulx2 | [ Reply to This ]
      *claps*
    | Posted on 2007-01-17 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngelKat | [ Reply to This ]
      very good
    | Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by esterhzys | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this its the usual kind of subject matter but it has some nice lines.
    I like "a wisher wishing this life weren't mine"
    and "your girlfriend hoping youll be there".
    Suicide and depression arn't really great words for poems and takes a little away from the poem but other wise it's short and sweet and I like it.
    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by tOXIC_wAST3 | [ Reply to This ]


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