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    dots Submission Name: Young Birddots

    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1278
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1172

       the opening to a book i'm writinig, tell me what you think

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYoung Birddots

    B O E
    R K N….
    Is the bird, that’s forced to fly too young…

    Are the words, stitched away inside…

    Is the feeble fang of the serpent born too soon

    Is the wolf, lost in nights of noon…

    are the limbs, of trees chopped down by spite

    are the dead, for that is human rite…

    Are the lies you hide down deep inside…

    T h r o w n…
    Are the insults spat at passerby…

    Is the king, whose smile is made or poison…

    Are the thoughts of abberate delusion…

    And through the silence, sounds are kept unheard
    Just voices without meaning…
    Just flocks without birds…
    Though I dare not say what happened…
    Just to keep this all inside…
    I will tell you one thing…
    Death is life’s main tide.

    Submitted on 2007-01-15 21:20:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      ok i liked this quite a bit too
    my favorite lines: "flocks without birds" and the way you spelled "crooked" backwards was cool. like alex said, the ending is good, kinda like a conclusion paragraph lol
    i also liked the phrase "lost to the nights of noon"
    | Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by SYnesthesiA_WaR | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well written and superb beginning, I would like to read this book just because of the beginning. I saw perhapes, I don't know if it is, but I unscrambled your letters B O E R K N to BROKEN, I don't know if this was a hidden message or something, but I think its pure genious if it were. I like this, and I want to see your book, if you have one.

    | Posted on 2007-03-30 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
      OoOoOoOoOOooOooo! methinks it's pwetty tox! lol sorry...compuslive urge to speak like a baby.


    i loved the format of the poem, first of all. creative how you used the first word of most of the stanzas on one line, and did something different to most of them. It added a really nice touch to an already beautiful write :]

    Are the thoughts of abberate delusion…

    And through the silence, sounds are kept unheard
    Just voices without meaning…
    Just flocks without birds…
    Though I dare not say what happened…
    Just to keep this all inside…
    I will tell you one thing…
    Death is life’s main tide.

    i especially loved your ending, because it really wrapped it all up. Up till that point there wasn't much definate meaning, but this stanza made it seem like the whole thing was some memory that wasn't quite a memory because it had somehow been given life, not in a literal sense, of course, but just to the speaker's mind.

    <3 it

    | Posted on 2007-03-23 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good job on this poem. The way you used broken in the first stanza was very unique.
    "Just flocks without birds…", I like that line a lot. Very interesting.

    I have to agree with the two previous commenters, you do have a talent about you.
    To be only 14, you have very good skills with words. If you keep working at it, I think your voice will be heard by the whole world, not just the minds on eliteskills.

    I wish you well on that book. The opening is good, and I think it will catch readers eyes. I'm thinking of writing a book myself, but I don't know if I'm yet good enough to write one. But, I guess it couldn't hurt to attempt.

    Good work on this, and I wish you good luck on the book once again. I think one day you will make something of yourself with your writing. Just don't give up on it, you have talent. Most teens that write during their early teens give up on writing when they get out of high school.


    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      You're way too young for this talent, a'd. I'm impressed--but I've got to wonder if this is really a prose opening. What's the story about? PM me, if you think I can help.

    Also, I'm not sure if the word you wanted was "aberrate." In all cases I've heard of, it's "aberrant"--unless you're trying to teach me a new word again...hang on...

    Yeah, "aberrate" is the verb form of "aberrant"--instead of meaning mistaken, it means to make mistaken, which doesn't really make sense.

    What is the lesson from all this, you may ask? Never pour milk in your breakfast cereal and then decide to check your e-mail--it ruins your day...

    --crimson echo

    P.S. I was serious about your preternatural abilities. If I could write like you at your age, then I'd have finished my novel by now.
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you are very desciptive and use a good choice of words ...

    you need to keep working at this talent you have who knows maybe someday we will be reading your works in a paper...

    keep it up!!

    Are the lies you hide down deep inside…"

    that is my favorite line because it has so much trueth in it ...
    | Posted on 2007-01-16 00:00:00 | by Thirst4Serenity | [ Reply to This ]
      Seriously, how the hell are you only 14? This is amazing, I wish I could write like this.

    My favorite line:

    Is the wolf, lost in nights of noon…"

    Their just so...unusal...it works well to show the...irony?...of the whole man is the top of the world, yet we walk around like we're dead...

    Nice job,
    | Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by Falling Rain | [ Reply to This ]

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