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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Apocalyptica [Prologue] dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MowsysWrath
    ASL Info:    15 Beastiality Bunghole
    Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 75/85/45
    Words: 1127
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 205
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 6869



    Description:
       Apocalyptica
    By Mowsy Merethil and Bryce Ridgeway

    This story is dedicated to Heather Broski and Kate Krpan. I love you both more than I could measure.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsApocalyptica [Prologue] dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Brian sat up in a complete darkness, throwing his blanket (which was designed in a variety of blues and greens in stripes) and burying his face into his hands. "No..." he said silently to himself.. It was the same dream again. It had been the same dream every time. "Why..." It was a simple nightmare at first, but it grew into something, something with meaning. The end of the world? It wasn't clear at first, just a lot of mindless screaming and gunshots but it had evolved into something nearly unbearable.
    Brian turned to see the only light on in his room, a dim red clock showing the time at 3:27 A.M. It was going to be another light like that. He'd be up until 6 before dozing off again (by that time, he'd have to wake up for school anyway) so he wouldn't bother with trying to sleep again. The memory of his nightmare was horrible, he had a few tears running down his cheeks.
    / / /
    "Brian! Help!" He could hear her scream, followed by a high pitched yelp. As Brian rounded the corner of a brick building, he saw Lenora pinned up against a wall by a large lead pipe. Lenora was bleeding, her blood dripped from the open end of the pipe. Her long black hair hung over her face, she coughed blood onto the tangled black fall.
    "No... NO!" Brian ran to her. "No... Lenora..." Lenora looked up at him, brown eyes shining with tears met.
    "Brian..." Lenora coughed again. "Do you have the gun?" Brian looked to his pocket, inside rested a 9 millimeter pistol they had found, one bullet remained in the chamber. Brian knew what she wanted.
    "Brian.. please.. It hurts."
    Brian swallowed, looking at his cousin. "Lenora, I can't... I won't!" Brian's cheeks shone in the light.
    "Please, Brian..."
    "Lenora..."
    "Please!" Lenora coughed once again, a raspy dry throated cough that sounded painful. More blood emitted from her mouth. The cough seemed to scar Brian, hearing the pain she was in.
    "Lenora... I love you Lenora, I'll never forget you." Lenora took in a breath. "I love you too Brian.. Goodbye."
    Tears fell onto the ground and Brian pulled the pistol from his pocket and aimed it at his cousin's head. The gunshot echoed throughout the abandoned city as Brian dropped to his knees, buried his face in his hands and asked himself: Why?
    / / /
    That was when he woke up at 12, crying and sweating like a dog on a hot summer evening. As sad as it was, it was only a dream, thankfully. He drifted back to sleep, driving the memory away.
    / / /
    "Meka!" Brian said, shaking the purple haired girl (Sleeping beauty, as he would tell himself had these been different circumstances.) They were on the third floor of an abandoned Hotel, sleeping on a spring-mattress on the floor. Six in the morning in a world that stunk to the empty heavens.
    "Meka. Wake up." The girl shifted and sat up, her purple hair cascaded down in a jumble. "Brian? Oh Brian... I had this dream.. this nightmare... The world was ending, everyone was dieing.. it was horrible!" Brian's mind was instantly refreshed how all his loved ones were all more than likely dead. "I remember.." Meka continued ".. We came to a hotel and..." she stopped. "Oh god... no..." Meka seemed to go insane.

    Brian grabbed her shoulders, he was beginning to shake. "Meka, Listen..." he questioned the presence of god then before continuing. "Meka, calm down..." Brian wasn't sure at this point whither he was trying to calm her down or calm himself down. To do his best, he wrapped his arms around Meka and instantly he knew his heart was beating too fast for his own good. After a few moments of holding her, she let go of him as their hearts began beating normally, both of them calm.

    "We had guns... Brian, where are the guns?" Meka asked him. Brian was a bit taken aback, but he answered. "They're in the other room... Why?"

    Meka stood, ignoring his question and ran into the room, Brian followed. Meka found the only two pistols on a table in the room. A glock and a Desert Eagle rested on the table, Meka's delicate hands reached for the Glock and picked it up, it was the one with more ammo anyway. The Deagle had only two shots left anyway. Meka handled the gun as a child, staring at it, examining it. "Brian..." Meka looked up at him. "It's hopeless, Brian... We won't make it out of here alive. I'll use this Glock... You use the Desert Eagle."

    Brian's eyes widened, she couldn't have been serious... could she? "I'll use this, you use the Deagle. I want to tell you Brian, You've been a great person to me and I love you..." It was easy to tell she was having a hard time saying this after proposing suicide. Brian blinked.

    "Meka.. We didn't go all this way just to give up here, we have a chance." Meka quirked an eyebrow.
    "You think we have a chance? We have no food, No water, and the only thing keeping those... things from us is a 2 inch thick wooden door and 3 flights of stairs... Brian, we don't have a choice. They'll find us eventually..."

    "Meka, We have each other for now, so put down the g-" He was interrupted by Meka.

    "We won't have each other for long if we try to survive this! Please, Brian, I can't live this! Please... Brian.. If You won't do it... I'll.." she pulled the gun up, pointing it at Brian as the safety was clicked off. "I'll do it. It'll be for your own good, Brian, I'm sorry..."

    Brian stepped forward. "Meka..." He stared directly into her eyes. "You're pointing a gun at me, Meka..." The pure reality that she was pointing a gun at him was enough to wrench tears from his eyes. Meka began to shake, tears began running down her face. Lowering the gun, Meka fell to her knees. "Oh my god... I'm so sorry Brian.. I can't... I..." She was silent for a moment, then in a quick motion, she brought the Glock to her chin and looked at Brian, who was startled. He ran towards her, he heard her say one thing before pulling this trigger.

    "I love you."
    / / /
    "Why am I having these dreams?" Brian shook his head, his eyes getting used to the darkness. His heart was beating furiously, trying to escape his chest. Could it really happen? Would the end of the world really come?




    Submitted on 2007-01-17 18:26:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ""Meka!" Brian said, shaking the purple haired girl (Sleeping beauty, as he would tell himself had these been different circumstances.) They were on the third floor of an abandoned Hotel, sleeping on a spring-mattress on the floor. Six in the morning in a world that stunk to the empty heavens."

    It would help now that you explain either directly or indirectly who Meka is. Then, you should explain how and why they are in an abandoned Hotel.

    Oh yeah, only one today. More to come later. Deal with it.

    -Kiddo will review more later-
    | Posted on 2007-10-06 00:00:00 | by Kiddo | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to go through as much crap I can pull before getting tired, so bear with me...

    "Brian sat up in a complete darkness, throwing his blanket (which was designed in a variety of blues and greens in stripes) and burying his face into his hands. "No..." he said silently to himself.. It was the same dream again. It had been the same dream every time. "Why..." It was a simple nightmare at first, but it grew into something, something with meaning. The end of the world? It wasn't clear at first, just a lot of mindless screaming and gunshots but it had evolved into something nearly unbearable.
    Brian turned to see the only light on in his room, a dim red clock showing the time at 3:27 A.M. It was going to be another light like that. He'd be up until 6 before dozing off again (by that time, he'd have to wake up for school anyway) so he wouldn't bother with trying to sleep again. The memory of his nightmare was horrible, he had a few tears running down his cheeks."

    First off, I like it when you give the part before all this happens before going deep into the action part. Maybe give the man a little personification, get him to not seem like a John Doe, more like someone who you can picture actually existing.

    Also, it said that Brian is in school. Is he in middle, high, college, what? Cos later on it says he has guns and he's sleeping with a woman... that would probably be reserved for college but I'm still not sure.

    "Brian! Help!" He could hear her scream, followed by a high pitched yelp. As Brian rounded the corner of a brick building, he saw Lenora pinned up against a wall by a large lead pipe. Lenora was bleeding, her blood dripped from the open end of the pipe. Her long black hair hung over her face, she coughed blood onto the tangled black fall.
    "No... NO!" Brian ran to her. "No... Lenora..." Lenora looked up at him, brown eyes shining with tears met.
    "Brian..." Lenora coughed again. "Do you have the gun?" Brian looked to his pocket, inside rested a 9 millimeter pistol they had found, one bullet remained in the chamber. Brian knew what she wanted.
    "Brian.. please.. It hurts."
    Brian swallowed, looking at his cousin. "Lenora, I can't... I won't!" Brian's cheeks shone in the light.
    "Please, Brian..."
    "Lenora..."
    "Please!" Lenora coughed once again, a raspy dry throated cough that sounded painful. More blood emitted from her mouth. The cough seemed to scar Brian, hearing the pain she was in.
    "Lenora... I love you Lenora, I'll never forget you." Lenora took in a breath. "I love you too Brian.. Goodbye."
    Tears fell onto the ground and Brian pulled the pistol from his pocket and aimed it at his cousin's head. The gunshot echoed throughout the abandoned city as Brian dropped to his knees, buried his face in his hands and asked himself: Why?"

    Setting is a big issue in this part. Actually, I think I should've said something before, but still. Where is Brian? In a city, suburbia, where? Just by describing a brick building is way too vague and it turns me off to the feel of the story. This is unless, of course, you want it to seem anonymous.

    Next, Lenora... first scene you see here in, she's dying. Thats a little sudden, we don't even know who the girl is. The emotion aspect of it is killed because we have no relation to her. We don't even know how she knows Brian! Again, it would've been nice if you put a prologue in the prologue, I guess... Just something to get some of the character's introduced. Get to know the feel of what the personalities are like and the feel of the story, y'know? Give a little background.

    Thats all I feel like doing right now. This is the first episode of... "Writing Reviews for Cheap [censored]s!"

    -Kiddo will review more later-

    | Posted on 2007-10-05 00:00:00 | by Kiddo | [ Reply to This ]
      For some reason, I hate having to sit down and read stories as long as these on the computer. But, once I read the first paragraph, I was hooked. I didn't care that I had homework to do, I just couldn't pulled away.

    It was a bit confusing for me at first, but as I read it over, it all worked out. I think you've fixed all the errors because right now, I can't find anything. ^_^

    I think if this was made into a movie, I would absolutely love it! Is there more? Please tell me there's more! Lol..

    Keep on writing,
    Lisa


    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by Nani | [ Reply to This ]
      Meka would shoot Brian first, then kill herself, it'd be a cold day in He** before she left him behind.

    "...one bullet remained in the only magazine" You mean clip.

    "It was going to be another light like that." Do you mean Night?

    ".. If You won't do it... I'll.." The you shouldn't be capitalized, I think there are more errors like that, I'm not for sure though. Being sick has it's draw backs, not seeing errors is one of them.

    I liked this a lot, makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. <3 Good job.
    | Posted on 2007-01-17 00:00:00 | by CharlieKat | [ Reply to This ]


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