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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: He Confessed Her Innocence...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: screamALEX
    ASL Info:    19/M/PA
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 40/93/49
    Words: 384
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1530
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2456



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHe Confessed Her Innocence...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    He Confessed Her Innocence Tasted Like Blood

    She felt the covers being lifted by heavy fingers,
    and the smell of alcohol that still seems to linger.
    It could be the hundredth time but it feels like the first.
    This is her fairytale from hell,
    and this is her plot and twist.
    Her prince is nowhere to be seen,
    She’s lost her will to scream.
    What’s the point when nobody can hear you?
    Mother is such a sound sleeper when she takes her pills.
    Thoughts running through her mind,
    desperate lies to calm the desperate truth…
    tonight she could kill.

    He snorts another line, takes another swig, tells himself this is it,
    one last time, after tonight he’s gonna quit.
    But he knows, and he knows that she knows,
    this is just one more to the score,
    just one more blow.
    It could be the hundredth time, but the cocaine makes it feel like the first.
    Too hard to keep count, keeping count would make his daughter a whore,
    and memories simply fuel the thirst.
    The screams have been drowned by the silence.
    The loss of her innocence seems to have taken her confidence,
    and complimented it with a decrepit sense of tolerance.
    Something of a contradiction,
    like a murderer’s sense of conviction.

    Lying in bed like a teenage sleeping beauty,
    lying on top of daddy’s .45,
    drowned that oh so illustrious sense of futility.
    Maybe she timed it with the thunder,
    maybe she didn’t.
    The sound seemed to rip through her aggressor,
    who she once thought of as her father.
    The flawless execution mixed with the euphoria of freedom,
    she didn’t doubt for one second,
    that God himself had pulled the trigger.
    And the cold hand of death in his eye,
    was like a sweet kiss goodbye.

    He never saw it coming,
    It felt like any other night.
    On the surface she seemed to be sleeping,
    but underneath she was planning, scheming.
    At first he didn’t believe it,
    “Just the thunder, keep thrusting”.
    He saw the blood oozing,
    “It’s hers, keep thrusting”.
    Then everything around him seemed to slow,
    while everything about her seemed to glow.
    And the look of redemption in her eye,
    told him tonight was his turn to die.




    Submitted on 2007-01-17 22:41:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      well hun its been a while since i commented on your work. sorry i just remembered the comment you left for me a long time ago when i was deleting a lot of my poems so i decided to visit you once again and see what your brilliant mind has come up with thus far. okies lets get on with this shall we?

    "She felt the covers being lifted by heavy fingers,
    and the smell of alcohol that still seems to linger.
    The cold touch of metal that means [censored],
    it could be the hundredth time but it still feels like the first.
    This is her fairytale from hell,
    and this is her plot and twist.
    Her prince is nowhere to be seen,
    She’s lost her will to scream.
    What’s the point when nobody can hear you?
    Mother is such a sound sleeper when she takes her pills.
    Thoughts running through her mind,
    desperate lies to calm the desperate truth…
    tonight she could kill. "

    wow i actually think this is beautiful imagry....wow reminds me when i was [censored]ed with...hmmm...yes i love this. its beautiful sick twisted wrong and right in everyway. i really have no constructive critiz. which bothers me cause i hate saying things are good and move on. the only thing i dont like about this is "[censored]" that takes away from this in such a horrible way. you built up something so sinister and then add that. i think you could find something new for it. god i love this peice already and i havent even read the second stanza yet.

    "He snorts another line, takes another swig, tells himself this is it,
    one last time, after tonight he’s gonna quit.
    But he knows, and he knows that she knows,
    this is just one more to the score,
    just one more blow.
    It could be the hundredth time, but the cocaine makes it feel like the first.
    Too hard to keep count, keeping count would make his daughter a whore,
    and memories simply fuel the thirst.
    The screams have been drowned by the silence.
    The loss of her innocence seems to have taken her confidence,
    and complimented it with a decrepit sense of tolerance.
    Something of a contradiction,
    like a murderer’s sense of conviction."

    ok there is another thing i dont fully like as well and thats how long this is. you might want to make tiny breaks. it makes it much easier to read and i think you may get more comments...though it may make the lenght more so maybe not. just a suggestion on my part.
    another thing...it seems you have done a biography of my family weird yes true sadly. a whore, brilliant description. you take the emotion as if you were there as if you have seen it with your own eyes. now im not saying you have or havent just saying even i who went through this couldnt have done such a magnificent job.

    "Lying in bed like a teenage sleeping beauty,
    lying on top of daddy’s .45,
    drowned that oh so illustrious sense of futility.
    Maybe she timed it with the thunder,
    maybe she didn’t.
    The sound seemed to rip through her aggressor,
    who she once thought of as her father.
    The flawless execution with the euphoria of freedom,
    she didn’t doubt for one second,
    that God himself had pulled the trigger.
    And the cold hand of death in his eye,
    was like a sweet kiss goodbye."

    now i aboslutly love this part. considering there is truly no justice in the world until you make it happen this i thought was well planed its like watching a movie something when its raining dark and cold. watching the terror build from fear and hatred. well wrote my friend. this is actually a favorite of mine and i hate how i don thave anything negative to say about it considering i dont think im helping at all.

    "He never saw it coming,
    It felt like any other night,
    he was high and drunk.
    On the surface she seemed to be sleeping,
    but underneath she was planning, scheming.
    At first he didn’t believe it,
    “Just the thunder, keep thrusting”.
    He saw the blood,
    “It’s hers, keep thrusting”.
    Then the pain got unbearable,
    and everything around him seemed to slow,
    and everything about her seemed to glow.
    On top of her, he knew that she knew that he knows."

    the last line...i think you could find a way to make it more powerful considering how you wrote this. its a bit of a tounge twister when there are so many ways the ending may come out. its wonderful im in awe of your work. never had i felt this way about someones poem and im in a speachless state. this is so unique and intracate. im in love with it. wow i wish there was more for me to say more for me to help with but you seem to have it well.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*
    | Posted on 2007-01-20 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      What A story.
    I must confess, i hate reading stuff like these because it's so true but i have to read so that the readers would know how much i appreciate them for writing on subjects like these.

    To me, i think there are a lot of little girls who are experiencing this in Guyana right now and the awful thing about it is that the people who are educated with that knowledge have access to such information while the majority who live with this are unaware of such information therefore they endure it because they think that's the way it's gotta be. But it's wrong.

    All i can say about this piece is that you have taken a lot of words that could had been omitted to shorten it a little bit. Still, this is a very important piece although dark but still important because it highlights the truth in so many little girls.

    Take care....Thanks for sharing this.

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-01-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Even though you used a lot of abstract adjectives and verbs you didn't use them to create a poem of vauge implication but instead used them to emphasize the amount of desturbing detail you go into. This piece was up close and personal with desturbing reality, in a way that lot of people i think would find unsettleing. I liked that a lot. It's very well written and I was drawn in as i read it.

    Maybe the reason I wasn't very uncomfortable with the detail you go into is because such dark subjects aren't as foreign to me, having addressed desturbing things in more personal talks i've had with friends. Prehaps some who have not would find this poem's detailed approach unsettling enough to be put off. I hope you don't care about that enough to change this piece or take it down because it's really good. It's unsettling detail is one of the main reasons i think it's so good.
    | Posted on 2007-01-18 00:00:00 | by nomad knight | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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