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    dots Submission Name: Way Way Away dots

    Author: Mykquillion
    ASL Info:    20/M/NEB
    Elite Ratio:    4.25 - 109/124/41
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Nature
    Total Views: 1097
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 357


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    dotsWay Way Away dots

    Vast emptiness in all directions.
    Hidden enemies below.
    A ubiquitous couple of bobbing Hydrogens
    In one direction &
    A lonely omnipresent bobbing Oxygen
    In the other.
    Flowing together and apart in waves.

    Spaced puffy clouds overhead,
    Looking more and more,
    Like vultures.

    Submitted on 2007-01-18 14:11:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      "Spaced puffy clouds overhead,
    Looking more and more,
    Like vultures."

    great concept This also evokes the feelings of loneliness and despair.

    J. Ackson Jr.
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by JAcksonJr | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the last line of this so much. It was a short piece that didn't come off as overly barren, which is a good thing that alot of people don't always get. the only thing I don't like is the reference of hydrogens and oxygen in that context. I think i know what you're trying to do, perhaps refering to it as humans, as in we are nothing but all the same substances. Or, perhaps refering to the lonely bubbles at sea. Either way, I feel the more scientific intentions of those words took away from it, where it could perhaps be replaced with something else, greatly increasing the poem.
    | Posted on 2007-01-18 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]

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