[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: waiting... readydots

    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 908
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 519

       distance... time .... the two things people wish they could overcome in a second.

    even with these two factors they can't, wont stop my heart from beating for her.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswaiting... readydots

    i lye here waiting,
    inside this soul,
    waiting for you,

    but these walls between,
    between you and i...
    can't hold me here...

    i wish to hold you here...
    just you and i...
    i wish i was the one to hold you...

    i'm stretching but your just out of reach,
    i'll be waiting for the right time...
    to let you know,

    that i'm yours to hold...

    i'm ready when your ready for me...

    Submitted on 2007-01-19 03:15:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with DB that this could be better. I think that it is a good first draft and that it needs a little more detail. If you want to keep it that short it needs to have a little more power than it does now. Explain in a little bit more colorful word choice and make it feel more resolved and less circular. I like this as a starting point and I understand the 4 a.m. writing binge, but i still revise my 4 a.m. writing binges. Honestly my ability to make a complete a sentence at 4 a.m. is a little bit weak, so good for you for writing a poem at 4 a.m.

    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a typo in L1 it should be "lie"

    I feel this piece is a little luke warm because we don't get a picture of her at all and because the images are a little basic and under developed. Even the narrator's desire comes across as a little weak. He wants her but is willing to wait... does she know he wants her etc. It's a nice sketch but desrves some fine detail and bold color.

    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    This written by Chelebel
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Stretto written by saartha
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Genesis written by saartha
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    ME written by jjd
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]