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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: waiting... readydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 908
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 519



    Description:
       distance... time .... the two things people wish they could overcome in a second.

    even with these two factors they can't, wont stop my heart from beating for her.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswaiting... readydots
    -------------------------------------------


    i lye here waiting,
    inside this soul,
    waiting for you,

    but these walls between,
    between you and i...
    can't hold me here...

    i wish to hold you here...
    just you and i...
    i wish i was the one to hold you...

    i'm stretching but your just out of reach,
    i'll be waiting for the right time...
    to let you know,

    that i'm yours to hold...

    i'm ready when your ready for me...




    Submitted on 2007-01-19 03:15:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with DB that this could be better. I think that it is a good first draft and that it needs a little more detail. If you want to keep it that short it needs to have a little more power than it does now. Explain in a little bit more colorful word choice and make it feel more resolved and less circular. I like this as a starting point and I understand the 4 a.m. writing binge, but i still revise my 4 a.m. writing binges. Honestly my ability to make a complete a sentence at 4 a.m. is a little bit weak, so good for you for writing a poem at 4 a.m.

    Briannan
    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a typo in L1 it should be "lie"

    I feel this piece is a little luke warm because we don't get a picture of her at all and because the images are a little basic and under developed. Even the narrator's desire comes across as a little weak. He wants her but is willing to wait... does she know he wants her etc. It's a nice sketch but desrves some fine detail and bold color.

    DB:)
    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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