[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: waiting... readydots

    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 844
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 519

       distance... time .... the two things people wish they could overcome in a second.

    even with these two factors they can't, wont stop my heart from beating for her.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswaiting... readydots

    i lye here waiting,
    inside this soul,
    waiting for you,

    but these walls between,
    between you and i...
    can't hold me here...

    i wish to hold you here...
    just you and i...
    i wish i was the one to hold you...

    i'm stretching but your just out of reach,
    i'll be waiting for the right time...
    to let you know,

    that i'm yours to hold...

    i'm ready when your ready for me...

    Submitted on 2007-01-19 03:15:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with DB that this could be better. I think that it is a good first draft and that it needs a little more detail. If you want to keep it that short it needs to have a little more power than it does now. Explain in a little bit more colorful word choice and make it feel more resolved and less circular. I like this as a starting point and I understand the 4 a.m. writing binge, but i still revise my 4 a.m. writing binges. Honestly my ability to make a complete a sentence at 4 a.m. is a little bit weak, so good for you for writing a poem at 4 a.m.

    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a typo in L1 it should be "lie"

    I feel this piece is a little luke warm because we don't get a picture of her at all and because the images are a little basic and under developed. Even the narrator's desire comes across as a little weak. He wants her but is willing to wait... does she know he wants her etc. It's a nice sketch but desrves some fine detail and bold color.

    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Love written by saartha
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    The World written by jjd
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]