Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: waiting... readydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 827
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 519



    Description:
       distance... time .... the two things people wish they could overcome in a second.

    even with these two factors they can't, wont stop my heart from beating for her.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswaiting... readydots
    -------------------------------------------


    i lye here waiting,
    inside this soul,
    waiting for you,

    but these walls between,
    between you and i...
    can't hold me here...

    i wish to hold you here...
    just you and i...
    i wish i was the one to hold you...

    i'm stretching but your just out of reach,
    i'll be waiting for the right time...
    to let you know,

    that i'm yours to hold...

    i'm ready when your ready for me...




    Submitted on 2007-01-19 03:15:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with DB that this could be better. I think that it is a good first draft and that it needs a little more detail. If you want to keep it that short it needs to have a little more power than it does now. Explain in a little bit more colorful word choice and make it feel more resolved and less circular. I like this as a starting point and I understand the 4 a.m. writing binge, but i still revise my 4 a.m. writing binges. Honestly my ability to make a complete a sentence at 4 a.m. is a little bit weak, so good for you for writing a poem at 4 a.m.

    Briannan
    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a typo in L1 it should be "lie"

    I feel this piece is a little luke warm because we don't get a picture of her at all and because the images are a little basic and under developed. Even the narrator's desire comes across as a little weak. He wants her but is willing to wait... does she know he wants her etc. It's a nice sketch but desrves some fine detail and bold color.

    DB:)
    | Posted on 2007-01-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    132485

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry