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    dots Submission Name: Formal dots

    Author: Emo Angel
    ASL Info:    15/f/Texas
    Elite Ratio:    3.06 - 17/26/24
    Words: 343
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 728
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 2166

       The ending is weak I know but I couldn't really think of one. This is a true story that happened on January 12.Three boys tried to miss a squirrel & ended up breaking a pelvic bone 7 times & another with a fractured skull. The ending is made up. I never have visited him in the hospital & probably wont. I can't.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFormal dots

    I see you every day.
    You're never very far.
    You sit just a couple of seats away,
    Yet I admire you from afar.
    I love your personality,
    Though your looks aren't so great.
    To tell you that I love you,
    Is what I still debate.
    You dont do some good things,
    But dont we all.
    You do drugs,you drink, you party all the time.
    If my parents found out
    They'd drop you on a dime.

    It was the night before formal.
    You where out with your friends
    & soon that one night of fun
    Turned into a night of dred.

    Your freinds left you
    Because you where no longer cool.
    But I stuck around
    Because I still loved you.
    I went to visit you in the hospital
    As you slept so silently
    Surrounded by the bottles.
    Tears came to my eyes.
    You looked so peaceful as you slept.
    I couldn't let you die.
    I sat down beside you
    & ran my fingers through your hair.
    I whispered silently I love you
    & just continued to stare.
    Your eyes fluttered open
    & you looked me in my eyes.
    My heart began hopin'
    You wouldn't make me say goodbye.
    You smiled at me weakly
    & said you heard it all.
    I suddenly got so embarrased
    That I began to bawl.
    You asked me why I was crying
    & I didn't know what to say.
    You suddenly pulled me close
    & wiped the tears away.
    Only one tear remained
    As is slowly rolled down my cheek.
    You kissed it gently away
    & I suddenly felt weak.
    You held me close to you
    & told me that you loved me.
    & that your glad I feel the same
    Because you couldn't live longer without me.
    I cried tears of joy
    As you kissed me again so sweetly.
    You told me you loved me again
    & I replied weakly.

    The moral of this story
    is that if you see a squirrel in the road,
    just hit it.
    Dont try to miss it.

    Submitted on 2007-01-19 09:44:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Since you whined about not correcting your spelling, here:

    1st stanza
    2nd line: your should be you're
    4th line: a far should be afar

    2nd stanza
    2nd line: where should be were
    4th line: tormoil should be turmoil

    If there's anything else you feel I forgot to mention, by all means, let me know.
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by rawrpanda | [ Reply to This ]
      Most of my problems with this are the constant capitalization, and misspellings. (Don't know why, but the capitals bother me :P)

    Also, to me, the ending doesn't seem like an ending, I expect there to be more verses after that. The rhyme scheme seems random and not following any pattern, and just doesn't flow for me.

    I can appreciate the first half of the poem for it's emotion, but the second half seems disjointed and not fitting. :<
    | Posted on 2007-01-21 00:00:00 | by rawrpanda | [ Reply to This ]

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