Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tears Flow Through the Hollowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Acid
    ASL Info:    17/M/Newport, WA
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 103/159/76
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1063



    Description:
       Emo, not so much, it's just depressingly fun is all


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTears Flow Through the Hollowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In that place called the heart,
    I found a gaping hollow.
    Sorrow comes, and tears me apart,
    The tears will only follow.

    Running down my cheek,
    I lick the salty pain,
    Felt by the mench and meek.
    I drink the falling rain.

    I keep the place deep inside,
    The demon's den.
    Bound, locked up, gagged and tied,
    Dried salt wells up again.

    In that place called my heart,
    I retain a gaping hollow.
    Sorrow came, and tore me apart,
    The tears did only follow.

    Half dead, and dying,
    On the cracked ground below.
    I can't be seen crying,
    Or puppeting this show.

    The strings are cut, and gone,
    I'm finally free, alone and dead.
    No longer a weary pawn,
    "I'm happy." No more can be said.

    In that place called your heart,
    I closed a gaping hollow.
    Sorrow left, and gave new start,
    Those tears will never follow.




    Submitted on 2007-01-19 11:52:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First off...I loved the title. And this particular part:

    In that place called my heart,
    I retain a gaping hollow.
    Sorrow came, and tore me apart,
    The tears did only follow.


    This sounds like me, but in a lovelier way than I can put it. You have a very lovely way with words.
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad,not bad.Don't think you really need to repeat the same verse again though unless it's the chorus to a song.You do an ok job with the rhyming though the flow could be improved to make it read better.Not sure what <mench> means-care to elaborate?The poem has quite a snappy feel to it and I like some of the vocab you use.
    Cheers.
    A.C
    | Posted on 2007-01-20 00:00:00 | by Asakura Cowboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    132530

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Cover written by saartha
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Records I written by Raphael
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry