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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Oncedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clarkie
    ASL Info:    18/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.33 - 101/76/36
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 693
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 535



    Description:
       I have no words.


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    dotsOncedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once the night sky
    was black and silver
    and bare feet could
    brush grass
    this was a time before
    scraping the sky
    before cement and cocaine
    killed the darkness
    massacred the black to bloody orange
    and faded silver to gray
    now the stars hide their glory in Death’s skies
    because glory brings the light killers
    but some nights the sky is dark again
    not black but blue
    the stars are pale silver
    and we can breath





    Submitted on 2007-01-20 00:15:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Clarkie, I really like the rhythm of the first four lines of this poem... the 4443 syllable count. For me it emphasises the idea of :
    'once this was so
    and so was this,
    and this as well
    now it's this."
    I would suggest working the whole poem into this rhythm with line breaks. I think it might give your poem a more finished look to it. Maybe just take a look at it re lineated on your own time and give it a read, even if you don't change it. Far be it from me to say it's the 'right' way. I'm not saying it is, but it's a way to perhaps revisiualize the piece and heighten a rhythm you already have happening.
    | Posted on 2007-03-11 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

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