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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Epicdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 532
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 857
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2922



    Description:
       Working on my own little epic, heh...this is for class.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEpicdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Gendel and Apathy were born inside the childs mind. Apathy was a creature living in the mind, a creature uncapable of any feeling other than hate. Apathy was a tortured creature, tortured by what she was. She took her pain and she used it as a sword against ideas that lived inside the child. She fed off the ideas and lay fat and pregnant inside a hell in the mind of the child. Pregnant with ignorance, born to the mind and named Grendel. Grendel held Apathy's hate, he was her hate, her blade of death. Apathy slept in hell while Grendel fed off ideas in the childs mind. He lived near the childs attention where the ideas came from.
    Few ideas still existed inside the mind. They hid in shallow pools throughout the vast valleys of the brain. They hid inside dreams, holy and pure,from the subconcious. Grendel could not enter the dreams, dare not enter. Nothing as completely evil as himself could survive in a place like the dreams. They were an untouched uncorrupted place, if Grendel entered the dreams they would soon become nightmares and the child would wake and he would be trapped, he would be erased from the childs mind.
    Tonight the child lay dreaming. Apathy slept in her hell and Grendel walked in the mind unconscious, in a trance like state while the childs attention held his dreams. Outside the childs mind, in a music box across the room a hero slid into vibrations and soundwaves that traveled through the air and into the ears of the child. The hero was Knowledge, his name was Beowulf. Beowulf was a traveler, spread through life and passed on and on. His purpose was to erase ignorance and apathy in their many forms. He came from from books and lived inside minds, to be passed on once attained, through the mouth of people he occupied and onto others that could hear of him. He lived in paintings and music, many different places where knowledge and ideas could be found.
    While the child slept and Grendel was unaware, Beowulf slipped into the mind through the subconscious. He greeted the ideas and talked with them of his plans to rid them of the evil inside the mind of the child. He would be the protector of ideas. The ideas regarded Beowulf with skepticism, laced thinly with hope.
    Spoke from the ideas, "What makes you capable of conquering Apathy and her conceived fruit when no one else has?"
    Beowulf smiled and replied, "Because I am knoledge, and I have come to you, to this child, through dreams. I have faith that I will not be forgotten like many of his ideas. I live and come from far away, I am clever and the child will remember me."
    And with these words the ideas rejoiced and dined on the only thing that ideas have to dine on. There was a great feast and they were happy. The ideas didn't know how the Grendel would be defeated, but Knowledge has come, and he had come to be remembered.




    Submitted on 2007-01-22 09:24:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh, I am delighted that I was there for the beginning of this...the idea and the development. I think you have done a good job with it...there are typos and mispelling and some things that aren't quite clear, but for the most part, I like it better than the actual tale of Grendel and Beowulf. They're just epic creatures...this is something I can relate to. Ideas, knowledge, apathy...I like the idea of an epic battle taking place in the innocent mind of a child.

    I think it is so cool that we can talk about things like this now...that the two of us can sit down and discuss ideas for this, and for my book...I rememeber how you always wanted to discuss books with me and mama, but you'd never read any of them. Now you're crazy creative and brilliant in your own right...and can join in on those fascinating conversations!!! I love it!
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      A quick note of minor typos:
    1. The very first Grendel is without the r. (first word)
    2. Occasionally possessive nouns are without apostrophes (the first child's for example).
    3. The first subconscious is misspelled.

    * This seems clunky, "They hid inside dreams, holy and pure,from the subconcious." I'd suggest either removing "from the subconscious" or rewriting the sentence, which shouldn't be too difficult for you.
    *This part confused me, "Apathy slept in her hell and Grendel walked in the mind unconscious, in a trance like state while the childs attention held his dreams" Was Grendel unconscious, or was he walking in an unconscious mind? Also, a minor possibly optional thing, "trance-like", the hyphen makes a difference for some people, or me.
    * The second to last knowledge misses its w.

    All right, now for the thing itself. I like the idea of Beowulf being knowledge come to slay the beast Grendel. I assume Grendel is ignorance, correct me if I'm wrong.
    I want to say right now "The ideas didn't know how the Grendel would be defeated, but Knowledge has come, and he had come to be remembered." that was my favorite part. It was strong and certain, much like Beowulf is portrayed here. So at the end, the final sentence and the protagonist share at least one major characteristic.
    There were parts that I was confused by, but at the same time there wasn't anything wrong with them and after a third read I understood most of them.
    I do wonder what Apathy was, since it says she was tortured by what she was. Unless it's just a very direct characteristic, Apathy is apathy. Which is funny to me at least, because I would say Apathy should work to improve herself, but she's apathetic, so she won't.

    I do agree with rawpot, some more depth to the characters would be appreciated by some. Some people like it "short and sweet". As it is, the writing is rather direct, which saves confusion. I kind of like that because it's easier to understand, and I don't like it because I don't want to be told everything exactly.
    So I don't know.

    The idea of Dreams being sanctuary from Grendel was very good, I imagined him entering one and seeing it slowly become a nightmare.

    I also liked this image, "They hid in shallow pools throughout the vast valleys of the brain." It was nice, to me.

    Overall, it's fairly good for a school assignment, or whatever it is for relating to school. Or class. Either way.
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      beowulf thingy, no?
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      hey this is a nice write up fellow. u sud try harder on the build up on the characterizations of creatures such as apathy further to describing what they did.

    This way u fill more thrill in to the subject.
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by rawpot | [ Reply to This ]


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