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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Are Lightning, You are Thunderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sacred Sindy
    ASL Info:    30 female in Portland, Or
    Elite Ratio:    6.36 - 151/128/34
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1424
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1124



    Description:
       in someone's laughter i find that the very gladness of Heaven strikes upon me. i can see His glory in your happiness.

    please help with format/grammar/punctuation. any ideas or suggestions accepted please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Are Lightning, You are Thunderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You are Lightning
    You are Thunder

    LIGHTNING

    An image of you flashes
    Splits into my mind
    Breaking Space
    Breaking Time.
    Sky is dark around
    The clouds of your lips:
    Setting storms within me

    The bolt in your mouth
    Flickers
    Flares
    Flashes the earth
    In your silence

    One Mississippi
    Two Mississippi

    The glare of your lightning reflects.

    Three Mississippi
    Four

    Then...

    THUNDER

    After the light has traveled
    Far enough to fasten
    Into my conscience
    The echo of you
    Crackles
    Claps
    Crashes to finally
    Catch up to
    Where
    I AM
    and

    I hear the heavens drum
    To announce
    The joy of my Salvation.


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Submitted on 2007-01-23 00:51:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I rather like the idea of being lightning more than thunder. Thunder is only a sound where as lightning is where all the power lies. This poem has elements in it that can be interpreted as universal as well as the fact that the poem itself looks like lightning. I rather enjoy it. Well done. It makes me laugh inside.
    | Posted on 2009-03-12 00:00:00 | by Old | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved the way you shaped these words and I loved what you had to say in them. One Mississippi
    Two Mississippi, crack boom, bam!! Great write.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2007-03-31 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,

    Great write, liked the form and the flow of the words were rapid, liked the way you paused the process with "then...", great work, this is going to be a favorite.

    Kind regards
    Eric
    | Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
      Saw this as a fav. on Unspoken's page, so I decided to take a look-see :) I'm glad I did!!!

    This piece is amazingly bright, refreshing and so full of detail! I think I'm going to have to make it a favorite.

    I love the way you painted the picture of your feelings in comparison to thunder and lighting...very nice. But...my favorite line was how you ended it all...it was perfect....

    I hear the heavens drum
    To announce
    The joy of my Salvation.

    Forever blessed and humbled,

    Sorrel
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy cow...

    Can you publish this so that the world can read it? This is brilliant! I loved it, and yeah there are tons of changes that could be made to the form and so on but it is a piece whihc could easily take many shapes and i think that nearly all of them would be equally amazing, so I won't be making any suggestions there.

    This is a favorite, the best piece Ihave read in a while!

    Until every heart is Liberated,
    Tom
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      This is friggin' amazing!! I love that, the imagery of this was KICK ASS!! That's really all I have to say, it was just friggin' good, there is really no other words.
    Awesome!
    Be at peace,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a neat poem, and please don't be offended by the use of the word "neat." I only use it in special circumstances. :)

    I like that you play with formatting to augment your words, whether to help clarify their meaning or to bring them into focus.

    I do not consider myself a religious man, but I have tremendous respect for faith, so it is nice to see someone who isn't just reciting words, but rather living them, through senses, emotions, and actions.

    Unlike a previous comment, I like the demarcation of the piece into "LIGHTNING" and "THUNDER" sections. That is sort of the feeling I get with both literal thunder and lightning and with the surge of emotion that certain people.images.deities inspire in me. You're counting down to thunder, you're expecting it, but it still comes with a certain surprise, a visceral thrill that reinforces the flashier visual of lightning with the aural and moving feeling of sound (vibrations).

    What I like best though is that this poem does not enforce its message with authoritarian boundaries...you can see the intended message if you want, but it can also apply to the reader's own particular situation.

    Anywho, sorry to ramble. I'm glad I was able to find this piece again. I stumbled onto it last night about 3 am and was unable to come up with a coherent comment (not that this one is particularly coherent). Good work...

    Hope all is well,

    j
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      One nit: @ the midway “lightning” is misspelled. I have only one major issue here, and that is the rather formal demarcation of the two sections of the poem, capitalized and set alone. It seemed to me to detract from the sense of process – of the lightning occuring in time, which is your description; and of the thunder following, again, in time. The separate titles make it seem a static category, and it’s obvious you want to express this as a ‘God in action’ process. Perhaps just substituting, “First came lightning...” and “then came thunder...” or something similar would make it seem a more integral part of the poem.
    Also, I would not repeat the title as part of the poem text, as you’ve done at the beginning.
    Alteredlife’s suggestion about the text formatting is interesting, and I think would also add to the poem.
    All that said, this is nice. I’m not religious myself, but you have expressed the religious point of view well, steering a course deftly between declamation and sentimentality. It is direct in its expression, with wonderful imagery and metaphor (especially, “the clouds of your lips”).
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      LIGHTNING

    An image of you flashes
    Splits into my mind
    Breaking Space
    Breaking Time.
    Sky is dark around
    The clouds of your lips:
    Setting storms within me

    The bolt in your mouth
    Flickers
    Flares
    Flashes the earth
    In your silence

    One Mississippi
    Two Mississippi

    The glare of your lightening reflects.

    Three Mississippi
    Four

    Then...

    THUNDER

    After the light has traveled
    Far enough to fasten
    Into my conscience
    The echo of you
    (Crackles?)
    Claps
    Crashes to finally
    Catch up to
    Where
    I AM
    and

    I hear the heavens drum
    To announce
    The joy of my Salvation.



    Interesting and very simple format, SS. I've left my only nitpick in parentheses, but the write itself is in no need of any major revision unless you chose to do so. But I can't think of a reason why you should. The formatting reminds the reader of a thunderbolt, and setting off the last three lines (rather than the last four, as Jase suggested) provides a pause for breath before the final proclamation that this act of nature is proof of the existence of God.

    I've often heard it said that lightning is the Spirit of God and thunder is the soul's response to it. The number of seconds counted between each is the barometer of the closeness of the two. Just a thought.

    Take care, Dulcinea.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      That was brilliant! I like how you shape your lines and loved the poetic picture painted.

    And, of course the countdown 'till thunder is classic.

    Bravo,

    Sash1979
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by Sash1979 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have a couple of thoughts nitpick-wise:
    It's spelt "lightning". Also, the way you've centered this... it looks like a lightning bolt... apart from your last four lines.

    How about... this:

    After the light has traveled
    Far enough to fasten
    Into my conscience
    The echo of you
    Cackles
    Claps
    Crashes to finally
    Catch up to
    Where I
    AM


    and
    I hear the heavens drum
    To announce
    The joy of my Salvation.


    Just put the last four lines on their own and put "AM" by itself. Whaddya think?

    As for content, I'm sure John-Paul will be rather pleased

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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