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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: New Day Risingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1085
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 968



    Description:
       o.k. so it 3:30 in the morning and i have just finished writing this little piece. it took me about 30 minutes to write so go easy on me in your comments. it is not perfect, but like all of my poems here on es it is far from being complete.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNew Day Risingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have pursued you in the slivery storm of evening,
    followed you like the lark surfing the arch of heavens rainbow
    covenant cascading against the shattered earth.

    I have chased you through the sable night
    like a swarm of fireflies dancing over the veiled face of infinity.
    Sensing you in the amethyst smile of the sun
    peeking over the cold periwinkle mountains,
    in the bouquet of caroling wildflowers
    my solitary room is filled with your splendor.

    Yearning for you,
    for eternity‘s soothing balm,
    for your roaring xylophonic voice to shadow
    my bare existence with scarlet shades of mercy;
    for the manifestation of your universe birthing glory
    I endure the crucible of Momus’ slithering tongue.

    In the stillness of the stale wheat air
    I shall see in your smiling chiseled features a new day rising.




    Submitted on 2007-01-23 03:37:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      great piece man
    i love to read about something with passion rather than something shallow or i hate my life bs
    i love how you entwined the passion with nature
    just as a suggestion (more or less something i would to read written by you) i would love to see some mythology in there like throw in some gods and goddess along with the passion and nature i bet you could do it real well
    but ddue great piece
    | Posted on 2007-01-26 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]
      A skillfully crafted analogy, JP. The images are beautiful and well crafted, and the underlying theme is subtle, definately not overpowering, which can be an amazingly large turn off to many. If the "you" you are referring to is God or Jesus, it should technically be capitalized, but I think that would undermine the quietness you've lent it, so, just ignore my mentioning that... (lol)

    As far as critiquing goes...

    Well, I've read many-a-book on writing, and they all seem to share this same opinion: adjectives and adverbs should be kept to a minimum, and in their stead, stronger nouns and verbs should be used. Modifiers can actually detract from the modifyee sometimes, and I see you have no short supply of motifiers in this piece. This isn't to say to hack and slash ever adjective and adverb; it is merely a considering that you may seek to eliminate some in seeking of stronger nouns and verbs, those which are able to express your meaning with more brevity.

    But other than that, I don't know. I like what I read. Good job!

    justin
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      Yearning for you,
    for eternity‘s soothing balm,
    for your roaring xylophonic voice to shadow
    my bare existence with scarlet shades of mercy;
    for the manifestation of your universe birthing glory
    I endure the crucible of Momus’ slithering tongue.

    In the stillness of the stale wheat air
    I shall see in your smiling chiseled features a new day rising.



    It is interesting, J.P.,how you channel the simplest thoughts through the crucible of a Romanticist/ Transcendental vocabulary that subtley allows the reader to absorb the message in a less confrontational manner (since you are alluding to Christ as 'eternity's soothing balm'). If that is the case, then in this form, the pill becomes easier to swallow and the core of the write touches emotional/ elemental chords that wouldn't otherwise be moved by strictly logical reasoning.

    The heart contemplates what the mind overlooks.

    Nicley done, John Paul.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      descriptive yes, and very well in your choice of words, and very effective. I got a very peaceful feeling as I read over this. Then again I got a weird stalkerish feeling as well, cause you're chasing this person around, but hey, if it's in a good way, thats cool. If this is for a someone, you gotta show them this...they'll effin melt bro!! take care man, not bad at all for 330 in the morning!!

    Brent
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      there is something of a romanticist feel in most of your work, and the way you communicate such things using eloquent and lovely words is something that is such a treat to read. very brutally honest and beautiful and archaic most of the time, with a tinge of victorian evenings by the fire, speckled with grand sweeping images that span space and time with naturalist expressions and such...

    the piece itself is pretty much straightforward, with enough flowery and finery to rend the reader into a gibbering puddle of melancholic mush.

    makes one wonder where or from whom you get such sentiments from. it is something to be envious of. as we all come from the same soup of love that give us the ability to pepper and season our writing with thoughts from the soul and heart, making the concoction thick and deep.

    alas, my soup has gone cold and too watered down, and it seems that i am drinking it under the rain.

    oh well...

    still, what a lovely piece.

    peace.

    -pietro
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      i love it...

    dont have time to comment cause i am getting ready for work but i really liked this!!!

    now get to bed and rest up- so you can get up refreshed and study!!!

    love ya,
    me
    | Posted on 2007-01-23 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]


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