my name is Irrelevant
people call me
I dont care because names are words and words are wasted
A title could not detail what I am to myself and what i could be to you
I am ______________
waiting to be filled up
a girl who tries to hide behind words that sound pretty and make her meanness seem human.
I am a nostalgic faerie princess, making wishes on birthday candles.
I wish I was a ballerina so i could show people I want to be beautiful
without being plastic
and I can be fragile
but I am not afraid of breaking.
I am a loser in green shoes who feels locked inside her clothes and just wants to take them off and dive into the ocean and sleep on rooftops and name the stars after everything she loves so she can point them out and say "There is Love and Cake and Music and Caleb and Ollie and Twister and Monopoly and Sugar and Jonathan and Mommy and..." And it would go on and on forever because love is something I have a lot of.
If I could do something for the rest of my life it would probably be live on a lovely island where it never storms, it just rains light, warm summer rain and every other day is bright and shiny. And my family would be there, never fighting, and Caleb and Ollie would be there, loving me and playing DDR with each other, and every other friend would be there, skanking and banging to delicous music, everything from Less than Jake to Pink Floyd but never ever Panic because on my Island we would never Panic. It would be lovely, with candy and roses, and kisses and everyone would have peace of mind but we would have a Fight Club for fun.
I get afraid that i will someday have less of someone, and I get selfish because I want to mean the most to everyone.
I want to be someones everything.
I like to throw glitter in the air and dance in the shiny beauty of a world that doesnt seem to care.
I want everyone to love everyone so that I can love everyone but people dont seem to work that way and in between I get lost in Rage and get worked up over people that never even register with me, and then Im crazy angry and I dont ever want to be that mad. Never.
I am a compulsive liar but it makes me cry at night when the shadows cast sideways into my eyes so I am trying to set things straight with myself before I forget myself forever.
Sometimes it seems like all I ever am is sad, which makes me feel to "Typical Teen" for words. And its not true. When Im sad, I write and write and write so I have that to look at when Im in between, tilting towards whatever emotion grabs me. When I am happy I live and smile and sing and dance and hug and kiss and jump and scream and breathe easier and thats harder to remember when it seems like people think all this wrongness about me and theres no way to set it right without making it known that I am bad, but not for the reasons they think. So its not that I am sad all the time, just that the sadness is more memorable. I can be happy, I can be oh so delicously happy and when I am it is better than jolly ranchers and ringpops and YooHoo.
I have a bad habit of holding grudges but Im trying to let them go. Its harder than falling off of a log.
The bad things he did, I forgave her for it.
But I dont think i=I ever really forgave him. I never hated her but i wanted to hate him so bad because it felt like he was looking for something and maybe if hed found it we wouldnt be what we are now.
He balanced forever on random girl kisses. At least my mistakes meant something.
And the bad stuff i did?
I have hated myself every day. I keep pictures of all the people I hurt in a box locked up in the corner of my head and I take them out sometimes, when the insomnia creeps up on me, and I stare at spots on the wall, trying to focus on good things about myself because when i see those pictures, I cant help but hate myself and it hurts to have that built up inside of me, coming out from behind the corner every time he says "I love you", and it says to me "you dont deserve it" and its right because I dont. but I like to think he deserves to love me because it makes him happy.
That makes it ok.
Everything big occurs to me at night, when I can hear that rushing in my ears. It starts when I lay down and try to talk to God, and right before I drift off Ill hear it louder than the silence, or the breathing. It starts low but builds up until its steady, in my head, and it sounds like every tear Ive ever cried rolling down my face, and every word Ive ever spoken that left someone else feeling empty. People say I have too much energy, or too much to think about, and maybe I dont try to sleep, maybe medication could fix me or something. But its not that Ive got better things to do, its all the worse things Ive done that keep me up.
Sometimes in the morning the roar wakes me up, sounding like all my apolgies echoing empty while people shut me out.
Im cold and hungry and tired (when Im not happy, shiny and dancing) but I try to keep up with life, even though sometimes it feels like Im trying to make things work and everyone else is throwing tomatoes at me.
People think Im mean because I want everything to be perfect and I want to spend every minute of my life with people who mean something to me and they mistake that for dismissiveness or bitchiness or whatever useless words they try to stamp me with.
I am sixteen but not quite sweet.
I dont try to be mean, or hate people. It just sneaks in and seeps in and then its like this disease that no pill could ever get rid of. I need a shot, and I need one bad. Maybe then I can be the person that I dream of, the nice girl that sits quietly inside me singing "You are my sunshine" waiting for the disease to get out.
I remember a time when the girl was dying but she is better now, just weak.
People dont know me, no matter what words I say to them, or apologies I give so they try to fill me in with sharpness thinking they can poke me into submission.
Labels make me sad because they smother people and no one deserves to be told what they are if thats not what they want to be.
You cant call me bad or mean or sad or happy or good or whatever because I am all of it and everything else. I am a whirlpool, catching everything and twisting and keeping things out and giving in.
I write every day, streaming angst or waxing poetic, words splayed across pages and pages until it seems like the epitome of all that I could say but it isnt enough. I write every day and every day I try to sleep, angry that i havent said what I need to say. There are always words I leave out, guilt I block out, promises I forget about, fears I keep out, and every other sentence I left behind. It kills me that I write every day and never say everything.
I could tell you all my secrets and stories but even then you could not know me because I remember as far back as way back then and even I dont understand who I am but I know it is not a word, or a sentence. Its an infinity of words and sentences that could reach into the night that my future holds and wrap around me and keep me warm because sometimes I get so damn cold.
I am not looking for someone to know me or understand what I am or want to be. I just want everyone to know I am not perfect and I am not the worst person in the world.
I am a figure cast somewhere in the middle, with all my reasons to be there.