Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 70 Word Short Story "The Dockhand"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Pietro
    ASL Info:    30/m/cebu
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 298/176/37
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Story/Passion
    Total Views: 2715
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 496



    Description:
       hmmm, an old one, just wanted to put this up. one of the first ones actually. how does it compare to the others? please let me know...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots70 Word Short Story "The Dockhand"dots
    -------------------------------------------



    "Watch 'er Jimmy!" cried Pete the porter.

    "S'ok Petey, got 'er" grunted James as he hooked the catch of fish into the haul.

    The whistles and foremen screamed heartily, and everyone made off for lunch- this was James' favorite time of the day. As everyone else went on eating; he'd be elsewhere, painting by the docks. And it was always the same;

    Art in the afternoon, fish in the morning.




    Submitted on 2007-01-24 05:26:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      And so began the strictly platonic relationship with fish that supported the lifetime love affair with the arts.

    "Someday," he whispered to himself, "I'll build a fish emporium next to the Louvre so the finest art and the finest foods can co-mingle and delight all the sense at once in a symphony of pleasure."

    He could almost taste the critical acclaim.
    | Posted on 2011-12-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like these 70 word short stories. I'm quite inspired to try writing one myself. This one feels like just I'm sitting on a wall at the docks watching the work, getting a brief glimpse into someone's world; art in the afternoon and suddenly James is no longer just a stereotypical dockhand but an artist, with a passion for beauty, and colour, and maybe one day even famous.

    I think it's good how you have the whistles and foremen screaming in unison, as if they've been working so long and hard at the docks they're in tune and in time with each other.

    And, to end this comment, I have but one tiny nitpick. I don't think you really need the semi-colon after "eating", if anywhere in that sentence it I think it ought to be after "elsewhere", or not at all.
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me start off by saying that you are very clever. I just came from reading your other 70-word short stories, which are simply witty and enjoyable.

    I do not believe the dialogue of this piece was developed properly. Either there should be less, or there should be more, but I am not quite sure which one you should pursue (or, neither!)

    "...grunted James as he hooked the catch of fish into the haul."

    Maybe, this is what I mean: instead of attaching this to the dialogue, you can begin a new paragraph, and describe his actions, the strength, etc. It would make for better insight into the character.

    "...off for lunch- this was James' favorite time of the day."

    This is where I feel that this short-story would work better as Third-Person-Semi-Omniscient, than Omniscient. The fact that you know this is his favorite time of day, and that you mention is so bluntly...lessens the depth of the story. As strange as this is worded, try not to know too much, or say too much, about the character. Let the actions describe him.
    | Posted on 2007-07-29 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      ...some mighty fishy frames up on the gallery wall!
    I loved the candidness and the episodic quality of it all - like a short film worth the watch. As for comparing... I have to go and re-read your other 70-word stories, hope this little comment gives you something to work with while you wait. Ricky
    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    132995

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Remember written by MyPeriodical
    Sanctimony written by MyPeriodical
    Remnants written by Soul-Hugger
    Happy New Oblivion written by Pietro
    Ahogo written by MyPeriodical
    I Just Want to Have Fun written by SavedDragon
    Untitled written by taintedsmiles
    Unraveling written by obsidiandreams
    Cansansio written by MyPeriodical
    Humanity's Loss, Humanity's Gain | prt t written by MyPeriodical
    What its like written by robbie
    No words written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Somewhere It's Always Morning written by Soul-Hugger
    Next to you written by robbie
    written by Daniel Barlow
    In case you didn't know written by BestxDeceptions
    Abyss (credit to Carina) written by Debauchery
    El Llanto Los Libra written by MyPeriodical
    is it nature written by MyPeriodical
    Oblivion written by TheStillSilence
    Rose colored glasses written by taintedsmiles
    We are Loved written by teika5
    Generation Lost in Space written by teika5
    Expectations written by taintedsmiles
    Challenge - Msg to a Mountain Lynx written by Daniel Barlow
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Understanding the pain of growth written by MyPeriodical
    Hide away written by robbie

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry