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    dots Submission Name: 70 Word Short Story "The Dockhand"dots

    Author: Pietro
    ASL Info:    30/m/cebu
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 300/176/37
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Story/Passion
    Total Views: 3204
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 496

       hmmm, an old one, just wanted to put this up. one of the first ones actually. how does it compare to the others? please let me know...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots70 Word Short Story "The Dockhand"dots

    "Watch 'er Jimmy!" cried Pete the porter.

    "S'ok Petey, got 'er" grunted James as he hooked the catch of fish into the haul.

    The whistles and foremen screamed heartily, and everyone made off for lunch- this was James' favorite time of the day. As everyone else went on eating; he'd be elsewhere, painting by the docks. And it was always the same;

    Art in the afternoon, fish in the morning.

    Submitted on 2007-01-24 05:26:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      And so began the strictly platonic relationship with fish that supported the lifetime love affair with the arts.

    "Someday," he whispered to himself, "I'll build a fish emporium next to the Louvre so the finest art and the finest foods can co-mingle and delight all the sense at once in a symphony of pleasure."

    He could almost taste the critical acclaim.
    | Posted on 2011-12-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like these 70 word short stories. I'm quite inspired to try writing one myself. This one feels like just I'm sitting on a wall at the docks watching the work, getting a brief glimpse into someone's world; art in the afternoon and suddenly James is no longer just a stereotypical dockhand but an artist, with a passion for beauty, and colour, and maybe one day even famous.

    I think it's good how you have the whistles and foremen screaming in unison, as if they've been working so long and hard at the docks they're in tune and in time with each other.

    And, to end this comment, I have but one tiny nitpick. I don't think you really need the semi-colon after "eating", if anywhere in that sentence it I think it ought to be after "elsewhere", or not at all.
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me start off by saying that you are very clever. I just came from reading your other 70-word short stories, which are simply witty and enjoyable.

    I do not believe the dialogue of this piece was developed properly. Either there should be less, or there should be more, but I am not quite sure which one you should pursue (or, neither!)

    "...grunted James as he hooked the catch of fish into the haul."

    Maybe, this is what I mean: instead of attaching this to the dialogue, you can begin a new paragraph, and describe his actions, the strength, etc. It would make for better insight into the character.

    "...off for lunch- this was James' favorite time of the day."

    This is where I feel that this short-story would work better as Third-Person-Semi-Omniscient, than Omniscient. The fact that you know this is his favorite time of day, and that you mention is so bluntly...lessens the depth of the story. As strange as this is worded, try not to know too much, or say too much, about the character. Let the actions describe him.
    | Posted on 2007-07-29 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      ...some mighty fishy frames up on the gallery wall!
    I loved the candidness and the episodic quality of it all - like a short film worth the watch. As for comparing... I have to go and re-read your other 70-word stories, hope this little comment gives you something to work with while you wait. Ricky
    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]

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