you can smoke opium. nowhere in my poem does it say we were smoking blunts. you knew that because i told you. but who's to say we weren't smoking opium out of a bowl? just sayin. i've smoked opium before.
Picky! says the commentator above. I should say tjsmith is just that and not so helpful either. The nearest I have been to being in cloud is when I got carried away by prescription drugs and the damn docs just fed me the stuff.
I think you have such a drive and a great way with narrative. Derivative - Naah!
As to the brackets, they make for a smoother ride and, I think, make the point of the trip so much stronger, cloudy, dreamlike, yet real as grit in the eye. =Thank you (again) for such fine work. And, by the way - (b*gg*r editing)
Consider Revising: Why the use of brackets instead of quotation marks? Not saying one is better, but poetically, do you have a rationale behind doing this?
S1:L3 – delete ‘her.’
“she nearly falls over,” you just used the word “over” in the previous sentence – its not comfortable here. Delete the 2nd “over.”
“opium?” didn’t you tell me ya’ll were smoking blunts? Picky, I know – but there is quite a difference in opium and marijuana. To a poet who knows or does drugs, this will paint a very different picture from what you intended.
“hours feel like minutes,” is semi-cliché.
You also isolated the title. What I mean is, you haven’t tied the ending into the title of the poem. Its morning and then what??? This could be a good place to tie it in. Or, however, some readers might gather that info all by themselves.
Praises: The stanzna with the car going faster- you introduce a rhyme. Normally, this would have me slinging my laptop across the student lounge, but here it works. It builds tension right before the climax of the poem; it is in a good location. The language is fairly bland – but that is fine for this piece. I can tell that this write is from the perspective of a young person – describing a character who isn’t much for $5 words, at least not at this moment in time. Also, I like the way you describe the guy who is copping a feel off the character. Previously, I thought it was a rape but it was just a creepy guy feeling on this girl – this revision clarifies the incident and lets me know that it didn’t go too far cause i was ready to kick someone's ass.
Overall: Slightly improved because of the better direction. However, you did introduce some vague (by not tying the title into the piece) incorrect (opium - when you meant marijuana) elements in this rewrite. Not far from having a completed work.
I for the life of me cannot understand how this gets to the second page without even a blip a blah or a huh...because this is fricken amazing.
Clear and precise imagery and feeling. You description is dead on...like:
she's got a head clouded in opium
and ashes in her eyelashes.
Perfection in words as far as I'm concerned. The poems meaning is some thing I think almost every person on this earth can relate to and you gave it life or art...flowing and crushing into this poem like a waterfall...hmmm PERFECT
[ the'y' car goes faster ]
Just a quik fix of the Y....
and that is where my critique end and my praise could go on and on and on and so forth.
So yeah...still do not know why I'm the only one to give my thoughts...strange place this Elite can be some times...oh well
I'm going to put in Favs and maybe more will enjoy.