The moon cries
but the sun doesn't see it
the stars don't shine
no one looks up
glowing once, and now, no more
it falls to the ground and dies
| Short and not so sweet...not that this isn't good, just the message is not what I'd call 'sweet'. It's seems to be, as Amy said, some what of a warning and the imagery is not so much dark as haunting.|
Besides all that, Amy gave all critique needed, I'd just sound like a broken record.
I will say that I like the simplicity and straight out minimal way you convey your thoughts. Makes the reader follow and feel the clear content easily.
Good job :)
|| Posted on 2007-01-25 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ] || short. to the point. not bad. the imagery was very nice and it was kinda saddening. tonight i will have to look at the moon :)|
|| Posted on 2007-01-25 00:00:00 | by Midnight Shadow | [ Reply to This ] || I like the simple imagery and minimalism in this. I like how you made the moon a symbol for a person whose pain is ignored and ultimately commits suicide (or that's my interpretation anyway). This reads like a warning for people not to ignore others. I think it might be effective to personify the moon (call it a he or she), and you might want to put in the other punctuation because since you put in the two commas, you might as well. Take that as constructive criticism, and ignore it if you like.|
|| Posted on 2007-01-25 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ] |