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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: watching the seadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kristen Gudsnuk
    ASL Info:    21/f/CT
    Elite Ratio:    5.62 - 182/229/86
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1175
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 291



    Description:
       I did lose his number! gaahh! waah! oh well. hehehehe!
    sorry, I haven't written a poem in a while, so if this feels rusty...! :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswatching the seadots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's like being married to a sailor,
    And I'm watching the foggy horizon line of the sea
    Some days, the blue of the sky matches the blue of the water
    And you may come home, sailing between two clouds

    (I wish I hadn't lost your phone number.)




    Submitted on 2007-01-26 09:34:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey Kristeeeen!

    Here you are with another of your great analogy/metaphors. I like this one a lot, I do. I think the ending just gives it a total tone twist, but it's really... hmm... how can I articulate this. If the last line had come first, it would've given it a light-hearted, almost comical feel to it. But where it is, it carries this whispered pain, and it just adds whole new dimensions to the poem.

    I do have a few possible suggestions though:

    It's like being married to a sailor,
    And I'm watching the [fogged] horizon line of the sea[.]
    Some days, the blue of the sky matches the [green] of the water[,]
    And you may come home, sailing between two clouds[...]

    (I wish I hadn't lost your phone number.)


    Just some minor things. I really like the idea of the blue sky matching the green water though. The absence of end-sentence punctuation isn't really detramental, but if you don't use it, I think you should make the first word of the second and forth line lower case. But the comma is needed to be grammatically correct.

    But even these aside (all of which are suggestions only, for you to use or ignore) I still really liked this.

    Coolio hero Kristen presents another smashing success!!!

    LONG LIVE MISFASs!
    | Posted on 2007-01-31 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      It's like being married to a sailor,
    And I'm watching the foggy horizon line of the sea
    Some days, the blue of the sky matches the blue of the water
    And you may come home, sailing between two clouds

    (I wish I hadn't lost your phone number.)



    I don't believe a post with such a bitingly whimsical closing line could possibly be transformed into a 'romantic' write (whatever that may be). It's clear that any 'happy ending' spliced to the end of this work would mute the irony of a sailor who more than likely may never find your particular port again. That is classic tragedy.

    In a literary sense, it served you well to dump his number.

    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-01-26 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      the first stanza is captivating, I really feel like you should go on after this starting point to lead into the "I wish I hadnt lost your phone number" part.

    because the beginning is beautiful, and the reader sort of expects it to continue, by I wish I hadnt lost your phone number, to me, a romantic snob, its like a punch in the face. And maybe thats what you meant for the reader, but you could possibly romanticized this event a bit more to the level of "I wish I hadnt lost you out at sea" (or something going with the sailor idea)

    what ever you do I think you should build more of a climax to the final line...extend the analogy, so that the poem isnt so abrupt, and less poetical than it could be.

    My most recent poem is kind of like this one, but it has a build up, unfortunately the build up to the ending/[personal statement to the person the poem is about at the end] is really boring and needs to be reworked because as of yet the imagery in it doesnt speak too well, or isnt too keen.

    anyways in your build up to the end of the poem, dont make it dull like my poem.
    it sure is a shame you lost his phonenumber.

    jc prescott


    | Posted on 2007-01-26 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]


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    133172

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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