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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Worddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bleeding-soul
    ASL Info:    17/m/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 94/94/14
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 714



    Description:
       This really needs a lot of work. This is definately a draft.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Worddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The boy stared at the world
    Knowing what he wanted
    And knew that the world couldn't give it to him
    He just wanted one word

    Only one way to make him smile
    Just the sound of that one word
    Oh, how he prayed to hear that word!
    He just wished for one word

    Finding the love of his life
    This road didn't always seem to go both ways
    He needed that love to live
    He just needed one simple word

    As he asked the Keeper of his heart
    "Who do you love the most?"
    The Keeper couldn't answer in true honesty
    The boy just needed one word
    And that word was "you"




    Submitted on 2007-01-26 13:40:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a big change from "We're all mad here". A lot less depressing, but it's nice.
    I guess you have the same problem that everyone says that I have, you kind of start out kind of weak, then the end gets really strong. Yeah, the beginning does seem like it needs some work, but in my opinion, I think you should leave the final stanza exactly the way it is. I think you could make the beginning more clear, because truthfully, I didn't understand the poem until I got to the last stanza.
    For a draft, I think this was really good. keep writing and when you change this or do whatever you want to it, tell me.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey hun,

    I haven't commented in a while and since you seem interesting i decided i might as well check you things out.

    "The boy stared at the world
    Knowing what he wanted
    And knew that the world couldn't give it to him
    He just wanted one word"

    Now i understand the essence of being vague when you're writing a poem. you don't want to give to much away and to have the person reading it take what they see from it. Simple really. But this is beyond vague. It's almost as if you're starting a chapter in a book about the longing of this boy and such instead of a poem. i mean there isn't anything wrong with that but this being your first Stanza you might want to try and capture your audience, well the ones who are to read this anyway. Though it does kinda leave a person slightly intrigued as to what happens at the end i guess.

    "Only one way to make him smile
    Just the sound of that one word
    Oh, how he prayed to hear that word!
    He just wished for one word"

    Well the first thing i see here and that actually might make me think twice about reading this all the way through is that you used "one word, word" in a very excessive way. I mean i get why you would do so. Considering that is your theme and the Title but still there are many ways to say exactly what you're saying in Different words instead of "one word" if that makes any sense. Probably not but hey I'm trying here

    "Finding the love of his life
    This road didn't always seem to go both ways
    He needed that love to live
    He just needed one simple word"

    Now again as i stated before you need to find more than one way to say the "one simple word" i mean honestly there isn't anything wrong here. so far this is a beautiful poem, but when you over do one word no pun intended it just takes away from the whole picture that you're painting. i know right now I'm repeating myself but i see so much potential for this piece its almost a bit robbed of what it could be.

    "As he asked the Keeper of his heart
    "Who do you love the most?"
    The Keeper couldn't answer in true honesty
    The boy just needed one word
    And that word was "you"

    Now as to this part i love it. You got more visual than before and it's a very nice way to end this. It's also simple and not over blown as i would have expected.
    This poem didn't leave a lasting impression on me. I won't go to my page and remember half of what has been said. It's still a beautiful piece though. Unique in its own way as well. There are a few parts i think can be improved. but since you wrote this you can ignore everything i said and give me the middle finger if you like. Just keep it the way YOU as the writer likes I'm just giving my opinion on the subject. I hope i haven't offended you in any way.

    all the love,
    Nikki

    @->--


    | Posted on 2008-01-17 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there you sexy man whore you.
    i like this.
    when i read it this is what i got.
    A person that wants to find love, but is only in love wiht himself.
    That maybe far fetched but that would be my guess.
    Peace my friend.
    Keep on keeping on
    | Posted on 2008-01-15 00:00:00 | by WonderfulComa | [ Reply to This ]
      Im alittle but confused,Like was this about just like generally being wanted in the world or is it about like finding that special someone and how it sucks that it can someitmes seem like it will take forever??

    To me this sounded and reminded me of a short story.Like a really super short story.As I short story i really liked it.

    None the less it was and is a good write, good job.
    -Mandee
    | Posted on 2007-05-15 00:00:00 | by Rainin_Raspbery | [ Reply to This ]
      I haven't been in a commenty sort of state, so I haven't said anything about this. Then, I felt that I needed to, and so I read it again, and I think it is beautiful. Like Jessie said, it is a true testament to your skills as an artist. It is lovely.

    Great job.
    | Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      This was lovely Steven, less darkness and sadness and more longing. For some reason I identify with longing, and not specifically just longing but the feeling to want something you cannot have. You are growing as a writer dear boy, this is a great accomplishment.

    my sincerest affections
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      i love it dear....you do so well when you are happy.....

    ummm...is there anyway we can talk about somethin personal and important here soon? its really bothering me and i need to get it out.

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-01-30 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, Steven! This was beautiful. It made me want to cry. I loved it. I was thinking the whole time that the word would be love or something like that, but I liked that it first explained the longing for the word, and the love the boy had. Then I liked that it went on in the third stanza to tell that the love was not always returned. Then in the last stanza where it explainded the situation where the word came into play. This wasn't an average poem. It really showed your creativity as a writer. It communicated how the character felt, and it transferred that pain to you. I loved this poem, Steven. I think it is beautiful. Wonderful job. I don't know what you could correct, or why it would only be a draft. I really liked it.

    Jessie
    | Posted on 2007-01-30 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice draft, sort of made me sad though, because I just basically got told the one that this girl loved wasn't me. So, lol, needless to say I didn't get that "One Word", if Jazmine reads this she'll probably know what I'm talking about, but oh well. What is that they say, "it's better to have loved, than not loved at all"? I guess that could be true, just really sucks that you could be screwing someone over in the process of loving someone. All I can say is, I was happy while it lasted. I'm not going to fight for a lost cause, should've known it was lost at the beginning, but no, I'm ignorant.

    Life sucks, then you die,
    Martin
    | Posted on 2007-01-29 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
       "Only one way to make him smile
    Just the sound of that one word
    Oh, how he prayed to hear that word!
    He just wished for one word"

    well guy, you just put too much focus on that word, which is "word", in your paragraph i wrote here in this comment, you just reapeat it and well that is kinda boring , and the reader will know it, you do not let him think about your writing and what you want to say with this...
    i hope you can get what i mean
    thanks for sharing and keep writing!
    peace and love
    and have a nice day
    victor
    | Posted on 2007-01-27 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      I like where this was going in the draft form. I think if you keep working on it, it could be quite lovely.
    As it's a draft please allow me to offer some suggestions...
    I know the piece is titled "one word," but in the poem this phrase is used too many times. I understand you used repetition to emphasis the fact he needed "one word" but there was too much and it became distracting.

    The poem deals with thinking about the "one word," a road of life, and a keeper of the heart, but I couldn't see a definate connection between them, especially the road and keeper. Maybe you could expand on those points and create a joining point between them, because at the moment they seem too...seperate.

    I did like the use of the keeper, as a metaphor it represents looking into the heart and realising what one wants, which was orignal and interesting.

    I think this draft could be a good poem, so keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-01-27 00:00:00 | by SilverScent | [ Reply to This ]


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