Description: It's been quite a while since the muse knoched on my door and since I frequented this site. I'm quite ashamed of myself. I used to return every comment I received, but unfortunately, due to my busy schedule (ridiculous reason), I can't do that anymore. But I will try.
This is a write that is very dear to my heart. Y'all will most likely guess what it is about.
The troubled hill -------------------------------------------
The hill stood still that day
The wind no longer motioned
No longer did it carry a tingling chill
Nor aromatic scents of flora
Nor the ascent or the descent of aves
Nor the rustling noises of the leaves
Simply, the wind no longer blew
Yet how peaceful was that day
And beautiful no doubt
The sun was shinning brightly
And giving warmth moreover
To the picnickers upon the mount
Albeit, behind the tranquil atmosphere
Lived silent melancholy and gloom
And that upon the troubled hill
For how can the hill be without its wind?
there's quite a classical architecture to this piece, in terms of diction, physical layout and theme. your hints of meter here and there served to gel everything together quite nicely.
is the hill you, and the wind an ex-lover perhaps (or vice-versa)? i get the impression this is what you're alluding to... a hill: solid, stable; the wind: elusive, fleeting.
The hill stood still that day
The wind no longer motioned - does the wind really motion? I think maybe a different word here would be more effective.
No longer did it (this pronoun is very confusing as you don't know if it refers to the hill or the wind until you read on in the sentence. Maybe try the wind no longer carried) carry a tingling chill
Nor (maybe - or the aromatic scent) aromatic scents of flora
Nor (maybe change nor to - missing was) the ascent or the (maybe change or the to - and) descent of aves
Nor (maybe change nor to - and) the rustling noises of the (delete and) leaves
Simply, the wind no longer blew
Yet how peaceful was that day
And beautiful no doubt (maybe - It's beauty was not in doubt)
The sun was shinning <<(sp) brightly
And giving warmth moreover << word choice? (maybe just have - the sun was shining brightly warming the picnickers upon the mount)
To the picnickers upon the mount
Albeit<< word choice??, (silently) behind the tranquil atmosphere
a melancholy gloom lived
upon the troubled hill
For how can a hill be without its wind?
Just suggestions mind you, but there is some real difficulty in some of your word choices. You seem to be using overly formal words that don't add anything except a felling of confusion to your work. Try to keep your ideas, which are really good clear and your grammar clearer. Good luck and good writing.
Submission Name: The troubled hill
