Description: I wrote this a while ago actually. It was for my boyfriend who is no longer. But I still like this a little. So...yeah. I hope you do too.
When I'm with you -------------------------------------------
When I'm with you
I feel like the stars shine all around me
When I'm with you
I feel like the blind can now see
When I'm with
I feel like I can jump to the sky and fly
Be near my side
When I'm with you
So please walk with
I don't want to be alone
Please walk with me
I can't do this on my own
I want to be with you
so I can touch the sky
Move mountains high
Please walk with me
I want to be with you
When I知 with you
I feel like I can touch the sky
When I知 with you
my hearts on an all time high
When I知 with you
I can face anything, do anything
When I知 with you
When I知 with you
I feel a warmness all around me
When I知 with you
I feel your love that surrounds me
When I知 with you
I can face all the dangers of this world
When I知 with you
I think you probably want line 9 to end with "me."
Repetition adds emphasis and often helps establish feeling. I definitely can understand the feelings described here! Everyone needs someone special.
An easy way to work on the flow might be establishing a syllable count and trying to maintain that count. For example: lines 2,4, and 6 could easily be written as eight- syllable lines without much change.
Try: line 2 as "I feel like stars shine around me"
line 4 as written (already has eight syllables)
line 6 as "I feel like I can jump and fly"
Lines 1, 3, 5, 7, and 8 are already written to match with 4 syllables each. You could try to maintain this pattern throughout the poem.
Pen on! Smiles, Sharon
I liked the peice and the repitition made it very lyrical, however some lines seemed like they were forced rhymes, where something may have fit better. It wasn't all throughout the peice, but I definitley felt like some parts could have been better. Example being
"I want to be with you
so I can touch the sky
Move mountains high"
Submission Name: When I'm with you
