Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Goodnight


Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 144
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1056
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 925



Description:


It's called Goodnight because she's going into a sleep that she will never wake up from. I guess goodbye would be more appropriate, huh? oh well.
But anyways, this is about a girl who was shot and she's trying o write a goodbye note to her family or loved ones. She doesn't want to die and she's afraid.


Goodnight



Ice in my eyes
tears form, but do not fall
too frozen to move

Blood on my lips
I try to emit a breath
but nothing happens

Worry continues to spread
panic shoots through my heart
fear for my own demise

My frigid hand
fights for life
as it moves the pencil along the paper

Words I do not wish to hear
suffocate me to no end
but I still remain writing

Hope in my heart
desire in my soul
my faith has always been there

I hate to depart
but that blinding light
will not release it's grasp on me

Ice in my eyes
a cold, fixed stare also within them
no signs of life persist

Except a single tear
that falls quickly to the ground
and then it too, ends







Submitted on 2007-01-28 20:06:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  This was wrotten very well, I liked it alot. It flowed quite nicely, and was worded wonderfully, the only negitive thing I have to say is the title doesn't really fit with your poem. You never talked about goodnights or dreams or slumber, but of a frozen, cold, near death person dreading going into the light. Other than that, it was fantastic! The emotion really got to me. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

Saint Razor
| Posted on 2007-01-29 00:00:00 | by brknprlcndol | [ Reply to This ]
  This write is extremely descriptive and well written
To me you are describing someone who is on their last breath or who is sadly planning on ending their life and they are finding the words to say Goodbye to Very Hard to find
I have been in these same shoes at one time and I have to admit you nailed the sentiment perfectly
Excellent Job!!!
I cant say how happy I am to see you back writing again
Excellent Job!!!
God Bless
Your Friend
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-01-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a good peice that was very descriptive, however I feel it was kind of bland. Now when I say this, I don't want you to think I mean not enough description, as there was enough, or that it was boring, because it wasn't. When I say I think this was bland, I mean I think it needs more character, more something to stand out. Just my peice of advice.
| Posted on 2007-01-28 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



133353