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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Goodnightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PiperH
    ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253/299/172
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 687
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 925



    Description:
       It's called Goodnight because she's going into a sleep that she will never wake up from. I guess goodbye would be more appropriate, huh? oh well.
    But anyways, this is about a girl who was shot and she's trying o write a goodbye note to her family or loved ones. She doesn't want to die and she's afraid.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGoodnightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ice in my eyes
    tears form, but do not fall
    too frozen to move

    Blood on my lips
    I try to emit a breath
    but nothing happens

    Worry continues to spread
    panic shoots through my heart
    fear for my own demise

    My frigid hand
    fights for life
    as it moves the pencil along the paper

    Words I do not wish to hear
    suffocate me to no end
    but I still remain writing

    Hope in my heart
    desire in my soul
    my faith has always been there

    I hate to depart
    but that blinding light
    will not release it's grasp on me

    Ice in my eyes
    a cold, fixed stare also within them
    no signs of life persist

    Except a single tear
    that falls quickly to the ground
    and then it too, ends







    Submitted on 2007-01-28 20:06:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was wrotten very well, I liked it alot. It flowed quite nicely, and was worded wonderfully, the only negitive thing I have to say is the title doesn't really fit with your poem. You never talked about goodnights or dreams or slumber, but of a frozen, cold, near death person dreading going into the light. Other than that, it was fantastic! The emotion really got to me. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

    Saint Razor
    | Posted on 2007-01-29 00:00:00 | by brknprlcndol | [ Reply to This ]
      This write is extremely descriptive and well written
    To me you are describing someone who is on their last breath or who is sadly planning on ending their life and they are finding the words to say Goodbye to Very Hard to find
    I have been in these same shoes at one time and I have to admit you nailed the sentiment perfectly
    Excellent Job!!!
    I cant say how happy I am to see you back writing again
    Excellent Job!!!
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-01-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good peice that was very descriptive, however I feel it was kind of bland. Now when I say this, I don't want you to think I mean not enough description, as there was enough, or that it was boring, because it wasn't. When I say I think this was bland, I mean I think it needs more character, more something to stand out. Just my peice of advice.
    | Posted on 2007-01-28 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]


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