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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Zenith Kissesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1074
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1720



    Description:
       it needs a lot of work...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsZenith Kissesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    We were two galaxies that became a universe,
    celestial novae illuminated the abyss
    in crescendoing sonnets celebrating our love
    when the Lion’s roar carried you to my concrete stoop
    that evening-.
    The curious moon hovered over our shoulders
    giggling at me as I stood silenced and stiffened
    by the coy stare of your sanctorum eyes.

    Lying on hammocks beneath mamboing stars,
    (as Cavalleria Rusticana’s Sinfonico
    played softly in the background)
    our imaginations blossomed like the new born sun.
    Twilight’s tender hand shrouded us like a gold silk kimono embracing a young Geisha‘s supple form.

    You would whimsically declare:
    “I see a blushing bride in a blazing white dress,
    standing statuesque, crowned with daises
    she holds a bouquet of crimson roses and ivory lilies-
    isn’t she beautiful, mi amor?”


    And I thought “yes, how lovely you are indeed,
    amor de mi vidi!”

    Waltzing upon the citrus breath of tigers,
    amidst nightingales etching their ode upon spearmint breeze,
    my scarred finger traced the outline of your sultry features
    within the swarm of symphonic fireflies swirling on treetops.
    Hummingbirds burst from
    ascendant nuances of sonorous laughter,
    butterflies carousel in concert with
    the swaying of honeycomb thighs
    scarlet tanagers bore us upon
    their magnificent wings.

    Beneath the zenith arch
    of the morning horizon we shared our first kiss, my ardent love;
    and this is what I yearn for most.




    Submitted on 2007-01-28 22:58:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      the only thing missing from this scene is the grasshoppers. lol
    its a very romantic piece....gives a lovely vision of sitting beneath the stars with the one you love.
    i wouldn't know about the adjectives and such...but i feel this piece is just fine. thats probably not what you want to hear, you most likely want us all to point out any changes you should make. but i like it as it is...i'm just a romantic at heart.
    i enjoyed this poem, you have a wonderful way with words.
    michelle
    | Posted on 2007-02-05 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      “It needs a lot of work”? No, it needs a lot of rework. RWS has too lightly touched on the problem with most of your writing. Since you only wanted thoughts, I won’t go into details, but here are the main problems I see: 1) Waaaay too many words. 2) What’s the point of the poem – say it succinctly, then get out. 3) Mixed adjectives, too many of them, and often at cross-purposes. 4) Even more sentimentality than my older poems...and that’s saying a lot!
    Poetry is not about piling on as many adjectives as possible to describe a feeling or experience4; it’s to say the heart of an experience effectively and succinctly. I think you need to list (yes, on paper!) what you want a poem to say before you begin writing the poem. After a second draft, check what you have against the list. If you have more, either justify it to yourself, or delete/change it.
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-02-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Zenith Kisses
    -------------------------------------------



    We were two galaxies that became a universe,
    in crescendoing sonnets celebrating our love
    when the Lion’s roar carried you to my concrete stoop that evening-.
    The curious moon hovered over our shoulders
    giggling at me as I stood silent and stiffened
    by the coy stare of your sanctuary eyes.

    Lying on hammocks beneath tangoing stars, (as Cavalleria Rusticana’s Sinfonico
    played softly in the background)
    our imaginations blossomed like the new born sun.
    Twilight’s tender hand shrouded us like a gold silk kimono embracing a young Geisha's supple form.

    You would whimsically declare:
    “I see a blushing bride in a blazing white dress,
    standing statuesque, crowned with daises
    she holds a bouquet of crimson roses and ivory lilies-
    isn’t she beautiful, mi amor?”


    And I thought "yes, how lovely you are indeed,
    amor de mi vidi!”

    Waltzing upon the citrus breath of tigers,
    amidst nightingales etching their ode on a spearmint breeze,
    my finger traced the outline of your sultry features
    within the swarm of symphonic fireflies swirling on treetops.
    Hummingbirds burst from
    ascendant nuances of sonorous laughter,
    as butterflies carousel in concert with
    the swaying of honeycomb thighs
    scarlet tanagers bore us upon
    their magnificent wings.

    Beneath the zenith arch
    of the morning horizon we shared our first kiss, my ardent love;
    and this is what I yearn for most.



    Perhaps what you need most, John Paul, is an editor who won't be intimidated by your style and will be more than willing to offer suggestions that can trim the unecessary verbiage from your writes. I believe there are times you're so inspired you telescope several poems into one work and don't have the heart to shape the finished product after you've roughed it out. I've attempted to do just that to this post, because there is an even better work lying under the weight of your immense vocabulary. Also, be aware that you may be in danger of overusing a metaphor at times (such as 'sanctuary eyes'), and practice rewording such phrases to keep the work fresh.

    Even if you're dog-tired, you should still jot down a few notes here and there to prevent losing the phrases you'll edit later. But get some sleep, you sound as if you need it.

    Take care, J.P.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      my scarred finger traces the outline of your sultry features

    this line to me feels a bit awkward
    its a cute poem though makes me want to be in love lol

    but about the awkwardness
    the word sultry is what makes it weird for me
    i cant really explain it but it just doesnt fit/flow with the other lines i mean the idea its conveying fits just the words don't idk it's weird
    maybe its just me who knows
    | Posted on 2007-01-29 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]


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