A very troublesome dilemma presents itself when one finds himself ill with one of many sicknesses associated with what is known simply as the cough. It is very rare that one hears another say, “I have a cough.” Instead, it is nearly invariably replaced with, “I have a cold,” “I have the flu,” or, if one is unlucky enough to be a peasant living in 14th century Europe, “I have the Black Plague.” However, all of these illnesses share one common factor: that so very much annoying cough. As a result of this, the ill is sent on a quest to find a method, to some end at least, to halt those shockingly sudden bursts of the diaphragm. Most fail, finding that the only true cure is to simply suffer through the wheezing, gasping, and hacking that form the experience of the cough. In spite of these shortcomings, many have battled on, looking bravely for relief. Even as these ill warriors have uncovered some products, it appears that, alas, they are but shams. Two such products, Vicks VapoRub and Halls Fruit Breezers attempt and fail to offer truly beneficial aid, while doing so in differing formats and with differing sensory experiences.
The basis of Vicks VapoRub is a cream that is applied to the chest and throat. The instructions for application are surprisingly complicated, yet this is fitting, as complicated, too, is the foe that the Rub seeks to destroy. The directions first warn that the user should “see important warnings under ‘when using this product’”, suggesting that there is more than meets the eye to the quivering, transparent mass of gel in the blue container. Should the user decide that, yes, the potential consequences are worth the end result, he will discover that, if he is not yet of age two, he does not have the blessing of Vicks, a sad finding indeed. Those whose reading skills did not precede their toilet training, however, will be able to read on and find that, in order to begin the complicated process of fighting the cough, one will need to “rub a thick layer on chest & throat or rub on sore aching muscles.” Thus, the product’s uses are revealed to be twofold! After slathering on the moist balm, the user may think his task complete, but it is not so. Should he be responsible and truthful, he would carry on, and find that he may, if he wishes, “cover with a warm, dry cloth.” Upon carrying out this suggestion, the user will probably find that it was given with great knowledge, and will continue on in the now revered Directions. Some members of the clergy may be distraught to find that it is recommended that one should “keep clothing loose about throat/chest to help vapors reach the nose/mouth,” but fear not, Disciple of the Light, as the process may be repeated at a later time when a stiff white collar does not interfere in the healing of coughing fits, for one may “repeat up to three times per 24 hours or as directed by doctor.” (or God.)
Yet, as wonderful and complex is the application of the VapoRub, one should still keep his mind open to the possibility of another solution. In fact, Halls Fruit Breezers provide a radically different technique to make sure that the battle against the terrible cough does not become a war. After the seemingly endless list of bullet points on the bottle of the VapoRub, one may be bracing for an instruction manual, similar to that of a math textbook. Like the Breezers themselves though, all of the information contained in the “Drug Facts,” are neatly wrapped in a 2 ½ x 3 ½ inch piece of paper that still leaves room for such important information as exchange figures (one drop is a free exchange, but ten is equal to one fruit), expiration date, as well as alleviating potential apprehensions about the company with the very subtle declaration “HALLS® – Dependable quality and value for over 100 years.” The directions themselves have only two statements. “Adults and children 5 years and older: dissolve 1 or 2 drops (one at a time) slowly in the mouth. Repeat as needed,” is the first, dispelling any misunderstandings should one have thought that all of the drops were needed to be ingested simultaneously to provide any beneficial effect at all. Young coughers with their small vulnerable throats will again shake their tiny fists at the manufacturer as the second statement again reinforces that for “children under 5 years: ask a doctor.”
At this point, the user may feel somewhat empty, as the directions ended almost abruptly, but the feeling will pass quickly, as he will be dissolving one or two drops, one at a time of course, slowly in his mouth. His tongue will be wrapped around one of many flavors, such as Cool Berry, which, judging by the packaging is equivalent to the taste of two strawberries, two blueberries, a cherry, and several ice cubes. Indeed, using in each drop only 7 milligrams of pectin, which is quite pleasant in comparison to the sometimes seemingly toxic fumes that characterize mentholated drops, the twenty throat drops contained in each package can very quickly become twenty paper wrappers on the ground in no time at all. Although some might say the very sweet lozenge is a marketing ploy to sell more drops over stronger, mentholated competition, clearly the true reason for the lozenges being so sweet is that Halls is subtly attempting to clear us of our coughs by making the relief enjoyable. Perhaps the reader has forgotten that they have been of dependable quality and value for over 100 years.
Vicks VapoRub has chosen to avoid the mouth area completely, forsaking wagging tongues and pearly whites instead for the dark caverns of the nostrils and fields of sensitive skin. In fact, the VapoRub’s directions have gone so far as to say that if one does decide to choose door number two and ingest VapoRub, the very most he will win will be the consolation prize of a lengthy hospital stay. When initially applying the ointment, the first sensation that one will observe will be the overwhelming vapors from which the name of the product is derived. This agreeable blend of camphor, eucalyptus oil, and menthol will quickly be overcome by the less appealing factor of VapoRub: the burn. The user will, should he have experienced it, probably liken this feeling to that of IcyHot on a lesser scale, meaning that the sense of impending death by chemical burn will be absent. Conspicuously not present is the significant reduction of the cough. At most, the burning simply disallows one from being able to cough as much for fear of spontaneous combustion of the lungs.
Vicks VapoRub and Halls Fruit Breezers could be likened to school teachers: Fruit Breezers, with their easy instructions, and sweet taste are analogous to an elderly grade school teacher whom everyone is afraid will expire at any given moment. Vicks VapoRub and its long string of bullet point instructions and burning sensation is the strict high school math teacher who seeks to give more after school detentions than he has desks in his room. Both are effectively ineffective, although the grade school teacher does give great stickers on one’s birthday. As soon as one has tried both and found that the cough, though perhaps reduced, is still present, it is easy to lose faith in mankind’s ability to ever find a cure for the cough. However, life will again take on the shiny hue of a candy wrapper and have the feeling of satisfaction that goes hand in hand with the deep burn of menthol products when one is finally enlightened to the fact that Vicks VapoRub and Halls Fruit Breezers are in reality nothing more than poor imitations of Bengay and Jolly Ranchers.
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Submission Name: On the Nature of Cough Suppressants
