Description: This is something I wrote while it was raining. It was also written at a time when I was taking an English lit class on Lawrence and Hemingway, so some of their influences may have worked their way into it. That would be a good thing, I hope. Or it may just be awkward, stilted, and amateurish :) Either way, it needs a little polishing in places, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?
He liked to watch the people walk down the rainy street like little black mushrooms, huddled under umbrellas to preserve whatever meagre warmth they could manage. The storms were cold and wet, the rain not always falling straight down. Simon watched them, big hands wrapped safely around a cracked and stained mug of instant decaf, his only immediate trouble the thin mist slowly creeping upwards from the window's edges to obscure his view. A woman tripped and nearly fell face first into a swelling flood of rain and mud before catching herself.
In the apartment upstairs, Mrs MacKay was yelling at Johnny MacKay, and Simon could hear Mr MacKay's weary, plodding footsteps move to the door and out into the hall. Restless, he turned from the window. No coat, placed the coffee aside. He met Mr MacKay in the hallway.
"Johnny getting into trouble again?" Mr MacKay’s response was a quick quizzical glance in Simon's direction. "I heard noises."
"John's a good kid."
Simon shrugged. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Mr MacKay.
"Need to go outside for that."
"So let's go outside then." Simon walked to the stairs and began the downward descent. Mr MacKay hesitated a moment, then quickly followed. He looked guilty. "Don't smoke?" Simon asked.
"Fifteen, sixteen years. Before Johnny was born."
Simon waited to see if he should apologize and retract his offer, but the other man didn't seem to care. At the bottom of the stairs he opened the main door and let Mr MacKay through. He didn't smoke, but lit a cigarette just the same. He gave one to MacKay.
"Ah. Thanks Simon. I always enjoyed a good smoke...to relax. It's been so long." Simon didn't think he was referring to the cigarette, but didn't comment.
"What's Johnny done now?" he asked quietly. The rain was soaking through his sweater, meeting skin.
MacKay shrugged. "Got himself a girlfriend."
Simon was silent; he let his unsmoked cigarette drop to a puddle on the ground. It floated awhile. He envisioned an iceberg for it and hoped it would sink.
"Speaking of girlfriends…"
Calmly, Simon turned to MacKay. "She's gone. These are her cigarettes."
"Ah. Sorry Simon. That's rotten luck." But he didn't mean it.
"I think I'll take a walk."
"In the rain?"
Simon didn’t answer. He crossed the street to where the woman had nearly fallen and walked north towards the tourist traps and kitschy shops and restaurants. The rain ran down his face like tears. He stopped and tossed her lighter into a dumpster. He took out her cigarettes one by one and dropped them down a swirling drain. Gone. His gut clenched as he watched the last one disappear. The rain washed them apart. Some things hurt more than you expected them to.
I liked this thing - it was a tad difficult to 'see' what the characters were doing - for some reason it seemed kinda disconnected. I liked the ending, perhaps because I've been in Simon's shoes. However I think the story might have been better had there been an immediate conflict - with a climax and resolution. That ending would be a great resolution, mebbe showing why simon did what he did in in response to the conflict (mebbe johnny's g/f) which brought about the climax (mebbe mrs. MacKay spazzes out). Just some ideas, but a good piece anyway. shard
This was very detailed. especally liked this part...
little black mushrooms, huddled under umbrellas to preserve whatever meagre warmth they could manage
Interesting interpritation. I think you should make it longer though. I mean its ending is very abrupt. Not thats its a bad ending, i liked it. But maybe you should give more insight on the charchters.
this is a good start. it seems a little underdone tho...like where the hell did this come from and where is it going...but that's kinda cool, because it's just sooo random. On the other hand, you need to describe like...stuff more. haha, thatn sounds so helpful. I mean, give it detail, and a sense of history. the most depth it had was that Jonny was always in trouble with his mom..but you could like expand that. Describe how tedious it must be or whatever to always have that going on above his head; describe his reaction to the word girlfriend since he just broke up...more description. But, this is a really good start!