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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Cavedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: forevermountain
    ASL Info:    17/m/bellingham,WA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.72 - 20/17/29
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 729
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 748



    Description:
       i dont want to straight out reveal my conceit. i think thats part of the fun of reading the poem. just take a look at all of the imagery and what it could relate to. (besides an actual cave)heres another hint: look at the words like bite, gnawing, lick, scream, etc... "squirming monster down below" is actually a _____... yaa....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Cavedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Annoints me with sonic fire

    Dire young spitting bats

    Flat and sharp screams the liar

    His dark cave moist lined with bone

    And a squirming Monster down below

    Hones its gnawing claws upon the mental stone


    And I now believe what bites must bleed


    The depth draws me forward close

    Caustic flames lick and breathe ill

    Shrill the bats cry silent and morose

    Until the monster flaming leaps and strikes

    And pounces fast tearing ears of sight

    Daily biting down

    And gulping back

    To deprive this monster its attack




    Submitted on 2007-01-31 22:33:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I would have assumed that this work was ambiguous and jarred on purpose anyway, even if you had not explained it in your description.
    The fire image is good, relating to the bats in a weird way but still relating, however you have spelt "silent" as "silient".
    I'm still examining the metaphor, will PM you when I'm certain of it.
    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      so whats this metaphor?
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by justwantedtosay | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you've done a wonderful job portraying the idea of the cave. It reads itself very easily and it shows a clear direction towards what you were aiming to say.

    The only problem i think was your structure in your poem. Usually when a write rhymes, it's not directly visible to the eyes until maybe finishing the first stanza. I've noticed it right away. And the way you've done it shows that you didn't plan this poem through. Or maybe you did who knows, i just don't see the pattern in you piece. This makes this beautiful write into every other write.

    I think if you revise it and see if you can feel the images you've created, then you'd make wonderful progress. Still, this is a unique write in itself. I doubt many people will choose to write on such subject. You did and i congradulate you.

    Take care....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      While I enjoyed the poem itself, the rhyme scheme was sloppy. You've rhymed some things three times, so things twice, some not at all, with no exact pattern. Is there a method to your madness with that? There may very well be, but I don't see it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]


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