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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Many forms of hate.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TammyAnnBruton
    ASL Info:    31/f/tx
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 202/148/30
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 868
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 719



    Description:
       This is a rant about an ex. I am very happy now. I am glad im out of that "hell" i was living thinking and feeling back then. Hope you like it anyways :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMany forms of hate.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hate your girly blonde hair,
    your icey blue eyes,
    crooked nose,
    and mouth full of lies.

    I hate your thin arms,
    your boney fists,
    needle marks,
    how you hit me when you're pissed.

    I hate those damn Boots,
    and those holey pants you wear,
    I'm last on your list,
    for you I actually care.

    I hate I wasted my time,
    It lasted 10 years,
    everything about you,
    you made me shed so many tears.

    I hate what you stand for,
    all that you've done,
    you can't see me happy now,
    You'll never see, I've finally won.






    Submitted on 2007-02-01 10:04:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked the emotion in this alot, you expressed that very well. Though you have a couple of 'i's in there that need to become 'I's.

    There were several places though that I kind of struggled with the flow of this one, but the one I struggled with the most was the very last stanza, which is also my favourite stanza in the poem. Maybe just change it up a little to something like this:

    "I hate everything you stand for,
    all that you have done.
    you can't see I'm happy now;
    You'll never see I've won."

    Of course that's just a suggestion. But aside from the few choppy parts in the rhythm, I really like the feel of this. You did good sticking to your form all the way through, and keeping the emotion consistant. And even though it is a repetitive poem, "I hate, I hate, I hate...." it doesn't ever get annoyingly so, and you hardly notice. The repetitive factor actually works in this piece, and I thought it had a nice effect.

    Overall, I say excellent write, and I enjoyed it very much, and I desperately hope you don't take my advice as cold criticism, 'cause I assure, it's not meant that way :)

    Happy wriiting!

    ~Mandi~
    | Posted on 2007-02-06 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      Nothing like getting it off your chest Tammy. Very powefull, emotive, but well written also.

    And good for you for sharing it with us all. I have a sneaky feeling that this made you feel a whole lot better.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2007-02-03 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Hate is a very powerful emotion and you have let loose an emotional expression of it here, but as poetry it loses something with the repetition.
    Maybe in a calmer frame of mind you could rework the lines to eliminate some of it, like;

    I hate your long, blonde hair
    your icy blue eyes
    crooked nose
    and mouth full of lies.

    And maybe something more colorful, fresher than "long, blonde hair" will come to mind. Try to give us some insight into why he is hated, perhaps it's how he cares about his hair, or how he tosses it, or some other aspect of it. If the "mouth" is "full of lies" then maybe the eyes are distrustful, and the hair has strands of another clinging to it.

    Just some thoughts, but since this aimed at someone, perhaps it is all that you want it to be.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well, the emotion was portrayed nicely by the wording. The onlt suggestion I'd like to make is cutting down on the repetitve 'I hate' Instead of having it at the beginning of most of the line I think you should have it at the begining of the stanza and follow forth with the rest. For example:
    "I hate
    your long, blonde hair.
    your icey blue eyes.
    your crooked nose.
    your mouth full of lies."

    I think that would make it flow much better, and look alot nicer. Other than that it was fantastic. It reminded me of my ex, and how I hate him in alot of ways. Another awesome poem.
    Keep up the great work, and I'll keep reading

    Saint Razor
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by brknprlcndol | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate your long, blonde hair.
    I hate your icey blue eyes.
    I hate your crooked nose.
    I hate your mouth full of lies.

    I hate your thin arms.
    I hate your (bony) fists.
    I hate your needle marks.
    I hate how you hit me when you're pissed.

    I hate those damn Boots.
    I hate the holey pants you wear.
    I hate im last on your list.
    I hate that for you i actually care.

    I hate i wasted my time.
    I hate it lasted 10 years.
    I hate everything about you.
    I hate you made me shed so many tears.

    I hate what you stand for.
    I hate all you have done.
    I hate you cant see me happy now.
    I hate that you cant see ive finally won.



    Well...

    I'm afraid to get too close to this post or the acid may chew me down to the bone.

    Whoa, tell me what you REALLY feel...

    I believe that last form of hatred, convincing yourself that you've overcome someone that you're obsessed with, only to find them indifferent to your 'self-improvement,' has to be the most potent rage anyone could ever feel. To feel used and break the physical bondage of an individual, but still be psychologically tethered to them is viciously undermining to the self-esteem. I can't offer any useful critique of this post because I feel it served the only purpose it was meant to; dumping garbage back in the lap of an idiot.

    I hope and pray very much that things are indeed better for you.

    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    133690

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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