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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Twisted Flowerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LoneWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/Earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 136/108/19
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1257
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 382



    Description:
       i made a neat design in my english lecture notes of random jagged lines and swirls, and it sort of looked like a flower so i wrote "I'll be your twisted flower" next to it, then i wrote a poem from that
    it's not really that great, but it's my first in almost a year


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwisted Flowerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i'll be your twisted flower
    be your friend
    take your power

    kiss my lips and forget yourself
    give in to me
    as i drain your health

    let me be your mangled lily
    i'll steal your life
    until you kill me

    i am all you can't have but desire
    surrender
    or be consumed by my fire




    Submitted on 2007-02-01 18:28:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The overall setting of the relationship wasn't complete to me. Like the previous comments, I can concur that a more poetic style could be intervened; for example, a few literary terms couldn't hurt to incorporate into this, since it is kind of an ironic situation. Alliteration, personification, etc. Anyway, the first stanza stuck me in a harsh way, because the thought, in my mind, was incomplete. Perhaps the shortness of the lines is a large factor in this issue, and it consists throughout the poem. I think what you were going for is an experiment, to see what you could make out of this style, which is nice to see. I encourage you to make a revision, or perhaps a new poem about a similiar concept of death, love, and all that sort of thing. Overall, I honestly could appreciate the message, but the wording is off and could stand revisement. No hard feelings, I hope. :)

    ~Mike
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. Kind of reminds me of the way I think, so I know what you mean.
    It's creepy, and makes a lovely picture. It's not very descriptive, but it doesn't really need to be. I think you said it all.

    Good stuff
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      well. i like the way you put powerful words into this piece, but it's needs more than power...it's needs to flow... more like the lines of a flower, if you catch my gist. i like the thought behind it also, just needs a little polishing...

    A good start would be to explain why the flower/kiss is like poison... or however you wanna take it, that's just my suggestion. i wrote a piece similar to this, but it's about liquid giving death... it's kinda cool you should check it out and see what the lines there are like, if you wanna.
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by Oracle | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'll agree that it's kinda [[ehh]]. But I do like it. It's short yet powerful. Sometimes simple is better. My favorite is the 3rd stanza. It actually gave me chills. It reminded me of some pretty dark stuff. So all and all, I liked it a lot. Good write. =]
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'll agree that it's kinda [[ehh]]. But I do like it. It's short yet powerful. Sometimes simple is better. My favorite is the 3rd stanza. It actually gave me chills. It reminded me of some pretty dark stuff. So all and all, I liked it a lot. Good write. =]
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'll agree that it's kinda [[ehh]]. But I do like it. It's short yet powerful. Sometimes simple is better. My favorite is the 3rd stanza. It actually gave me chills. It reminded me of some pretty dark stuff. So all and all, I liked it a lot. Good write. =]
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ]


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