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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rehearsals for Retirement (Revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 592
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1061



    Description:
       ~some men die long before they cease to breathe~

    Reposted with the original (first) and revised versions (second) together.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRehearsals for Retirement (Revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    sometimes sleep
    precedes these words

    sometimes sleep
    embraces them

    then they seem
    slow dreaming truth

    the madrigal visions
    of old men

    with youth still
    burning deep within

    in stupifying
    stubborness

    limbs that weep
    cancerous tears

    still bear the mark
    of wishful years

    in embryonic
    vertigo

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    sometimes sleep
    precedes these words

    then they seem
    slow dreaming truth

    the madrigal visions
    of old men

    with youth still
    burning deep within

    in stupifying
    stubborness

    limbs that weep
    cancerous tears

    still bear the mark
    of wishful years

    as a pool of sleep
    embraces them

    in embryonic
    vertigo





    Submitted on 2007-02-01 19:56:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      hey Bill ;)

    I read this and your "half-life" poem, I have to admit i'm not convinced i've understood the message of the other poem, whether the hell is real or imagined, or whether there is a message at all or just you having fun with your fans.

    anyway, for what it's worth i liked this poem better, we can all relate to the frustration of aging, i have to say i don't like the addition of "a pool of sleep" part...probably its the pool word i'm against. maybe you could suggest the envelopment by sleep in another way?

    anyway, good to see you're still writing, even if others have long since ceased to find inspiration.
    | Posted on 2007-04-14 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      with youth still
    burning deep within

    in stupifying
    stubborness

    limbs that weep
    cancerous tears

    I can't help but feel that there is a stanza that has been left out somewhere between these three. It left me feeling jarred as it seems to want for the same sort of transition that you have given throughout the rest of the poem. Did you switch the second stanza up to its current possition? Otherwise I love how this piece screams out the sometimes sureal nature of aging. Life's a nasty process in some ways, but in many ways the old adage is true. You're only as old as you think you are.

    tagit
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by tagit | [ Reply to This ]
      in stupifying
    stubborness

    limbs that weep
    cancerous tears

    still bear the mark
    of wishful years

    How absolutely deafening with sound. The feeling of ceasing existence...or some what of a stuggle there for.
    I felt stifled and some what smothered. Suffocated with pressure of unkempt obstacles and discarded remnants of the worlds weight.

    It made me sad...to have so much and feel so yet an overwhelming urge digging at what's left making it harder and harder to be at peace.
    Life is to be lived to the fullest...and yes easier said then done...but I think this is a great reflection piece and made me want to take a walk in the cold brisk winter chilled air, singing and skipping only to stop and make snow balls along the way...because life is too short to stop unless it's to smell the flowers :}

    I enjoyed this one and I know I'm probably wayyyy off in the accuracy of my definition...but
    mahhh..what can one do...that is what I felt and as long as poetry is reaching out and touching ones heart or soul in one way or another...it's all GOOD ; )

    Kelly
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]


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