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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Asylum Boy, Entry 14dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darkess
    ASL Info:    12/Female/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.37 - 30/93/39
    Words: 429
    Class/Type: Story/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1058
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2790



    Description:
       I've got at least four stories going right now. Two of which are posted here.

    Apparently, I've been hit with a wave of ideas, and following, inspiration. Which means I'll be writing hundreds of first chapters to stories I'll forget about. Ah well. No point in worrying. I'll see what went wrong when I find those chapters ten years from now at the back of some old floppy disc.

    Sorry. :(


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAsylum Boy, Entry 14dots
    -------------------------------------------


         It could be worse, that's all I'm saying.

         At least they let me move around. At least I'm not strapped to a chair in a room all by myself. At least I can talk. And read. And walk around.

         Some of them can't.

         ...

         Drifting through the asylum, letting my mind wander... I've pretty much become accustomed to the strangeness of it all. Of what I see and hear. How am I supposed to know what's normal and what's not?

         Today I saw this girl. She had bright red hair, kind of curly, but not frizzy. Looked as if she spent lots of time on it... But not today, as it appeared. It was just a bit too wild. With brown eyes... Really pretty brown eyes. Beautiful? Maybe. The kind of warm eyes that you could stare into and not get anywhere, because you knew she was hiding something and she wouldn't let anyone find out.

         She was walking down the corridor near my room, with a doctor holding gently onto her arm and another doctor walking ahead. Her eyes, red, swollen eyes, darted everywhere... Tired, yet adgitated, wanting to take everything in. She didn't want to be here, she wanted to escape. And therefore, those warm brown eyes, despite the tears falling from them, would not look panicked and would not show fright.

         Every so often she'd struggle, almost helplessly, and the doctor with his arm looped around hers would stop walking and wait until she calmed down. Sometimes he'd reach over and cover her mouth with his hand. She had freckles, I think.

         They brought her to a room way down the hall from mine. Later, when the doctors left, I peeked through the window on her door and looked at her again. Her room was different than mine... She had a bed and a small desk pressed up against one wall. The desk had paper and books all across it. Big books.

         She was sitting on the bed, with her legs over the side, staring at her toes. Smiling. And when she saw me out of the corner of her eye, she looked up and tilted her head. Smile gone. Same cold, determined expression I first saw her with. But... She must've noticed something that made her expression soften. Maybe the fact that I wasn't a doctor. Now she almost looked disappointed.

         I left her alone then. At least I know where her room is. Gonna try to talk to her. Or communicate in some manner.




    Submitted on 2007-02-01 20:57:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Tired, yet adgitated" has a spelling error.

    Anyhow, looks like we have a new character coming into the story...

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2007-04-25 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      Huh. A new character. I was beginning to wonder when we'd get to see someone other than the young protagonist.

    She's giving off a vibe of being pretty, smart, and interesting (because all insane people are interesting.)

    It's February...starting to smell a little like Valentine's day. And Lysol(tm). And just a hint of biscuits. Yay! Maybe there's romance in the future.

    Cheers.
    ~Orin

    P.S. You may wonder "Why does this strange person write this stupid crap and not just move on to the next chapter?" Well...it's because I started commenting on them one by one, and now there's a trend.
    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by Orin | [ Reply to This ]
      Sweet. I totally didn't think of this at all.
    Will this ever be made into an actual book someday? Do you even think about that?
    Sorry about the questions. I'm bored, sitting in my Dad's office. Anyway, good entry! Waiting for the next one always. <3

    | Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by EbonyBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      You obviously dont know much as lets see have you seens someone who has to learn the english language when they are much older and from a different i have and now they can speak perfect english albeit a bit of accent . and actually something like this has actually happened before and they didnt know what to do with the kid and law said all patients must be kept till evaluated but since said kid wasnt crazy they never evaluated another case of a child slippign through a hole in the legal system
    | Posted on 2007-02-03 00:00:00 | by (Eagle) | [ Reply to This ]
      Consider this a general critique of your entire series.

    Pretty unbelievable. I’m not sure if you’re going for realism or not, but I found it hard to follow. How would the boy even know his parents if he has been kept in an asylum his entire life? Since he was a child? All of the people associated with his mother and her pregnancy are simply going to ignore that fact? It seems that you are attempting to give a lack of details to further the mood of the story, but I think that we need some more information surrounding the beginnings. Perhaps you could address this in your next entry.

    This person really couldn’t exist. His state of mind…impossible. The types of thoughts that he has lead one to believe that he was initially not institutionalized, and then was taken to a psych ward. You mentioned that he was taught to walk and talk by his doctor when he was much older. Realize that the window for learning essential language occurs when one is much, much younger, and once it is past, acquisition of language is fundamentally impossible.

    No authentic doctor is going to use the word “insane,” especially when addressing a patient. And why would a doctor be rewarded for a patient running away from him?

    I think that you are definitely a talented writer, but your ideas don’t run very parallel to each other. However, I also believe that if you provide your readers with some more details as to the beginnings of this boy’s life, the entire situation would be more plausible.

    Brian
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by Saline | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh boy oh boy oh boy...yeay

    A new character...and a girl...a beautiful girl to boot.

    Cool

    Ok so she's committed but maybe not completely as she has big books...haha
    No really, I think this will be brilliant for Dove to find maybe a little peace from another who holds some of the same feeling and fears or just plain relate for that matter.

    I really enjoy when you use description like this...I can't put it into words but it just makes the story flow with real time and feeling.
    I like the description of her...the new girl...she needs a name...wonder what you'll call her.

    I get the feeling he 'Dove' is getting comfortable with being in there...and I guess there's really no choice for him is there...for now anyway.
    I like him roaming freely too...makes it feel like he can still see new things and sights without it being all a dream...or is it...hahaha

    kk
    bye for now

    oh wait

    Really really good job with this story, you have a novel talent and a certain intellect that it takes to make such a sad story to light and make it enjoyable enough to continue reading.

    Thank you for sharing your gift...but you might want to give more comments as this is a sharing site...you get what you give and if your ratio doesn't go up by you giving others comments...No one will be able to comment on yours.
    Just some advise
    | Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      i hope that this doesnt end up as one of thse neglected first chapters. its retty captivating. i was pretty drawn in. i want to know more now.
    i'll check out the other some time as well, and see if its just as easy to get caught up in.
    | Posted on 2007-02-01 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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