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Author: Oracle
ASL Info:    24/ F /NY
Elite Ratio:    4.63 - 423 /313 /46
Words: 107
Class/Type: Misc /Love
Total Views: 1458
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 733


a song... a little diddy that came to my heart... tell me what you think


There was a time when i...
needed you
There was a time when..
i cared
There was a time when...
pain made you bleed too
There was a time...
when you were there

who are you
oh stranger
to my heart

who are you
dear stranger
i'm so caught

why do i feel you
why do i care

you are another

you are another
part of my past and i don't...

i don't love you no more
i don't love you no more
no more....

love you

Submitted on 2007-02-01 22:04:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Ah, I get the hesitation. Your poetry is directly worded with no metaphors, but it becomes a metaphor we recognize, because the story is for everyone.
That's a successful poem.

It could perhaps be less boring in its verseform ... but when we write for ourselves, the spontaneous form, well we like it of course. I'm just being a reader here, they're a nuisance sometimes if you need them at all; but sometimes their needs can inspire fine self-expression of one's own, too. Ity's writing a song for a tune ...

| Posted on 2008-02-25 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  It gets it's point out, but at the same time, you kind shunned it.

I mean don't get me wrong.. it's wonderful, it's speaks volumes, but :

you are another
part of my past and i don't...

i don't love you no more
i don't love you no more
no more....

love you

it seems like you're hesitating here, like you're afraid to say you don't love them anymore, it totally diminishes the "i won't love you" part. it's like instead of declaring that you don't love them, and that you won't love them, you make it seem like that's not what you want to say incase they come running back... (yes that was too much like a love novel, i know ) but that's just my opinion.

Over all it was a great write, i would love to hear it.

| Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by darkwisdom623 | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh, now i find out it is a song..... yah! would be good for the rhythm. But still, the message there really sells low with my heart.
| Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]
  Wont? is that the correct spelling? Did you not mean won't, as in will not? Hmm. Break up? One night stand? Love for a period? How i do not fancy such things. What about committment ? What about honesty, and truth? What about averting pain by being heartfelt?

Yah, the way you write the verses in the first stanza is good, some suspense and then emphasis when you write the phrases on the next lines very short- :there was a time when i ..."

needed you...blah blah blah.

then you start with the rhetoric questions, then the oh stranger...haha- now he becomes a stranger? after a time he was there, after a time he bled too? Good way of bringing out the process to saying the ultimate words.

But then , it seems middle way across the poem you become a bit confused? Or are indeed a bit confused? want to love but cannot, will not? Exactly, the latter! Thus you end with sending him to the past and declaring "i
love you
Nice breaking up of those lines, makes them more powerful than in one line.
| Posted on 2007-02-02 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]

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