Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Amaranthine goddessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 811
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1648



    Description:
       i go where the muse takes me...
    again im not to sure about this one...
    A WORK IN PROGRESS...

    amaranthine: a beautiful flower that never diminishes in its beauty...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAmaranthine goddessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Infinitude tangos upon sacred lotus flowers
    floating carelessly amidst raven rivers
    inexorably flowing in amethyst eyes-
    elegant features like still ivory waters reflect
    the eternal emerald sun
    embracing weeping Atlas-willows, laden with jagged sky.

    Quintessence of cherry orchards blossom in tresses
    of tasseled honeysuckle strands.
    Delicate hands lasso the moon-
    coyly to her lips she swallows, spiting embers across evening.
    Boldly she invades Olympus imbibing incandescent fire,
    ample pivoting hips thunder the stolen blaze
    upon mortality’s wounds-

    Her voice like soft wisps of silky hummingbird sonnets
    enchant the barren winter air,
    birthing spring upon exulting mandrake breath.
    The north wind blows the variegated clouds
    over the languor waters like
    Autumn leaves over fruitless fields.
    Wrapped in sunlight she gracefully dances on
    A dragon’s sugar plum belly like epiphanies
    on the tip of a child’s tongue.

    If all the universe were to incinerate like a crumpled sheet of soiled paper amid raging flames
    she would remain:
    statuesque as a sequoia standing among burnt tree stumps
    sultry like a sunflower in perpetual twilight
    sanctorum as a baby’s giggle resonating in death’s ear
    surging like supernovas piercing the abyssal night
    surreal as the ocean encapsulated within a Lamb’s tear-


    incomparable as a summers day;
    my amaranthine goddess…




    Submitted on 2007-02-03 14:33:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I echo, Bill. Outwardly this has the appearance of a beautiful piece but I feel there's too much razzle dazzle so that the feelings and shape of both characters are somewhat obscured. There are a lot of modifiers that heap color onto color and I think you could achieve the same affect with a few well chosen words in a form like the haiku.

    As, I've already mentioned you do have a wonderful ability with words but I think you need to work at letting the core emotions and central characters own the spotlight.

    just my two bobs worth.

    DB
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      great use of colours. the descriptions are excellent. this is another marvelous piece...i feel totally inadequate to comment on a piece such as this. i write and read purely for fun. i dont understand much about the actual forms of poetry. i just know what i like and don't like. and i certainly do like your poetry. it gives me a dreamy feeling, always so colourful too. beautifully written, nice work.
    michelle

    ps. sorry i haven't responded in a while. i'm not being ignorant, i promise! lol
    anyway, i'm back now, hopefully ill get to be on here a lot more. talk again soon!
    | Posted on 2007-02-05 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      wowsers
    i love the last stanza
    and i love the line about amethest eyes
    you have quite a way with words
    i like that it is more verbose than simple
    i think the little details help express how it that one subtle thing that makes the moment worth writing about
    | Posted on 2007-02-05 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]
      When we imagine someone as beautifully as this, it's a gift. I'm sure your affections are most appreciated, john-paul. You say that you want thoughts on this one so that is what you will get.

    The fact that she has captured your love and it will always be that way, because love is eternal. And you remind of how she is ageless, timeless in your eyes, that too is love's expression in unique ways.

    If all the universe were to incinerate like a crumpled sheet of soiled paper amid raging flames
    she would remain:
    statuesque as a sequoia standing among burnt tree stumps
    sultry like a sunflower in perpetual twilight
    sanctorum as a baby’s giggle resonating in death’s ear
    surging like supernovas piercing the abyssal night
    surreal as the ocean encapsulated within a Lamb’s tear-

    It all fits, john-paul and it's lovely. Thanks for sharing.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2007-02-03 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      If all the universe were to incinerate like a crumpled sheet of soiled paper amid raging flames
    she would remain:
    statuesque as a sequoia standing among burnt tree stumps
    sultry like a sunflower in perpetual twilight
    sanctorum as a baby’s giggle resonating in death’s ear
    surging like supernovas piercing the abyssal night
    surreal as the ocean encapsulated within a Lamb’s tear-


    forever lovely as a summers day;
    my amaranthine goddess…



    I'm sure Dulcinea wil be pleased with this, John Paul. Despite any effort to the contrary, your voice is definitely that of the romantic troubador. My only advice to you would be to suggest you continue writing until you master a mature style that expresses your deep passions in as few words as possible. Let each line be a brushstroke on a fresh canvas.

    Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
    Take care, J.P.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-02-03 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    133868

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry