Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Blinded with Sight


Author: huntingjonathon
ASL Info:    31/M/San Fran
Elite Ratio:    3 - 69 /117 /61
Words: 173
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 983
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1096



Description:




Blinded with Sight



It isn’t nothing
that I see,
darkness is never
an option;

vivid depictions of color
haunt my waking life;

if I focus really hard,
I can see the insides of people --
that ugly stuff that makes them
hate and argue;

with eyes closed,
I see the insides
of my eyelids.

Naturally,
I don’t care to focus very often
so I walk around all day
trying not to blink,
trying not to focus,
tears plentifully splayed upon
the curves of my face;

and oh shit!
it happened again.

The average person blinks
100 times a minute,
one second I see the sun and the next –

the curved backing
of an involuntary
motor reflexive piece of skin
that has as much willpower
as an impotent
cock.

The world is a cruel place
as I am reminded
100 x 60 x 24 times
a fucking day.

-jonathon shank




Submitted on 2007-02-03 18:20:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Okay I like this piece for a multitude of reasons. First, this is a subject that I can relate to. It reads like a rant, with passion it seems logical and slightly mocking in places.


Blinded with Sight
-------------------------------------------

It isn’t nothing
that I see,
darkness is never
an option;

vivid depictions of color
haunt my waking life;

if I focus really hard,
I can see the insides of people --
that ugly stuff that makes them
hate and argue;

Up until this third part, where you focus really hard to see the ugliness in the people, it was a standard setting of the poem. But you did it well and I have no complaints. I like how you start off telling the reader that it isn't darkness that haunt you, but the colors. And this I can translate to real life.



with eyes closed,
I see the insides
of my eyelids.

Naturally,
I don’t care to focus very often
so I walk around all day
trying not to blink,
trying not to focus,
tears plentifully splayed upon
the curves of my face;

and oh [censored]!
it happened again.

I like how you set these thoughts up looking at the insideof your eyelids. It is a creative piece of imagery that works well with the entire part.

The average person blinks
100 times a minute,
one second I see the sun and the next –

the curved backing
of an involuntary
motor reflexive piece of skin
that has as much willpower
as an impotent
cock.


The facts you add here are great, they really strengthen the whole poem. Like, this isn't just my observation, but the observation of many...it makes whatyousay valid, stronger.

"the curved backing of an involuntary motor reflexive skin" This was just brilliant. I like to read it over and over. And then we realize you describing a cock. Which is funny, and vulgar and really helps set the tone of this.


The world is a cruel place
as I am reminded
100 x 60 x 24 times
a [censored] day.


And here is the end, you seem like you are tired of this idea. The world is cruel. And you are reminded, often. It makes the whole poem sound tired, like you rant about it all and it isn't as if you are talking about a new revelation. It has been said before. But dear boy, allow me to be one to say, you told it well. Apart from the rest of my critique, you are extremely talented.

I don't just wish to flatter you. I think the compliments I have given are well deserved.

Sincerest Affections

Ava




| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by madhatress | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



133877