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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hello Lonelinessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandi Gayle
    ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298/348/150
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1329
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 856



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHello Lonelinessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My lover brings the darkness,
    Swirling in like smoke;
    My lover brings the bitterness,
    That often makes me choke.

    My lover brings the numbness,
    That I always welcome in;
    My lover brings the desire,
    That’s woven red in sin.

    My lover brings the emptiness,
    That settles in the soul;
    My lover brings the sadness,
    That cannot rein control.

    My lover isn’t tangible,
    Not made of flesh and bone;
    My lover only visits me,
    When assured I am alone.

    My lover remains hidden,
    Behind my pseudo smile;
    My lover is not satiable,
    Not even for a while.

    My lover always creeps along,
    To join me every night;
    I whisper, “Hello Loneliness,”
    While turning out the light.




    Submitted on 2007-02-05 01:38:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
       I loved your poem, it is nicely written. It has a great rhythm and rhyme pattern. It sounds more beautiful than anything.

    "My lover brings the darkness,
    Swirling in like smoke;"
    These lines alone have amazing imagery. "Swirling in like smoke" is a perfect phrase and metaphor.

    "My lover brings the bitterness,
    That often makes me choke."
    It has a sad sound to it but, it flows nicely. "That often makes me choke." Love has some sort of effect that, when you loose it, it makes you feel like you're drowning in the pain.

    "My lover brings the numbness,
    That I always welcome in;"
    Love effects you in a way where every time you see your love, it makes you feel butterflies or you loose feeling in your whole body.

    "My lover always creeps along,
    To join me every night;
    I whisper, “Hello Loneliness,”
    While turning out the light."
    This verse has to be my favorite. It flows ever so greatly and I can some how relate. I've lost a few people I held dearly to me and ever since, I've had a feeling of loneliness. Like everyone in the world just left me or something.
    Well, great poem, like all of them. I enjoy reading your work. Keep on writing and keep up the great work.


    ~Samantha~
    | Posted on 2008-01-05 00:00:00 | by The lost child | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. That is gorgeous.
    The rhythm, rhyming, and descriptions are all perfect.
    I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, but I figured I might as well tell you how much I love this anyway.

    "My lover brings the darkness,
    Swirling in like smoke;"

    Crafty... very crafty. The swirling smoke puts a lovely image in my mind.

    "My lover brings the bitterness,
    That often makes me choke."

    That's sad, but the way you described it is beautiful.

    My favorite part is probably:

    "My lover is not satiable,
    Not even for a while."

    No words can explain how much that means to me.

    You are amazingly talented, and it never hesitates to show.

    Sorry for all the compliments, but they're true and there's nothing to critique.
    You've displayed lonliness in such an original way.

    As always,
    wonderfully done.



    -nikkki (liv2lovethepain)
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful piece of writing! Accepting loneliness as a lover - cool concept. The ending was superb.

    Note: I feel that 'always' (S2 L2), 'the' (S2 L3), and 'assured' (S4 L4) could be omitted and still have the same effect, and read more smoothly.

    The 5th stanza is my favorite.. along with the ending.
    | Posted on 2007-05-02 00:00:00 | by Wild Flower | [ Reply to This ]
      this was one of the best i think you've done! the title says it all "hello loneliness". how have i not seen your stuff before? so much i was missing....thank you for sharing your writings, it does my heart good :)
    | Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooo, I like. I like the rhyming flow and I really like the ending. It just shows that 'lover' doens't necessarily mean you love it/them, it jsut something/one that visits every night and makes you forget something.
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Itzunori | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,

    Like the structure of the words, nice twist, in the end.

    This piece carries that feeling of being alone anywhere for that matter.

    But as most people said, night time is the worst, but actually Valentines day was even worst for me, and romantic movies.

    Allot of people write about loneliness, but this piece personalized the feeling into the words 'My lover'.

    Which spells out longing, for some company that understands who we are, and appreciates us for who we are.

    Good write

    Kind regards
    E
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, this IS an absolutely superb poem! Excellent, excellent rhyme and meter ... everything works absolutely perfectly in this piece ... I loved it, loved it ... BRAVO ... BRAVO ... BRAVO!!!! ....Michael more, please!
    | Posted on 2007-02-06 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      i cant find any kind of fault with this write, i think it is amazingly written and like tammy i agree that the worst time for lonelyness is at night time when there is only your thoughts to keep you company, i hope that the lonelyness eventually fades even though it has yet to disperse in my life maybe youll be lucky enough to beat it. great job
    | Posted on 2007-02-05 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way this all went together. Being depressed almost always makes you feel like you are alone.

    "My lover always creeps along,
    To join me every night;
    I whisper, “Hello Loneliness,”
    While turning out the light."


    Night time is the worst when you have only your mind to keep you company.

    I liked this write. Not much for critiqueing. SO i will just say well done :)
    | Posted on 2007-02-05 00:00:00 | by TammyAnnBruton | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    133988

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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