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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blood Splattered Brickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandi Gayle
    ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298/348/150
    Words: 360
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1336
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2500



    Description:
       Warnings for murder, and just a little mention of blood.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlood Splattered Brickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She’s standing in the silence,
    Tension thick as thieves;
    Her hand chokes her weapon,
    As she waits beneath the eaves.
    The house is cloaked in darkness,
    Except a light upstairs;
    Shadows move within a window,
    While her anger flares.

    Her eyes are watching morbidly,
    The sordid macabre display;
    Her heart clenches painfully,
    Yet she cannot look away.
    Her lip curls in quiet mockery,
    As she swallows rising bile;
    Her muscles ache unpleasantly,
    As though she’d run a mile.

    Tears are acid upon her cheeks,
    Burning moonlit pallid skin;
    Two wrongs won’t make it right,
    But she’s done let the Devil in.
    Now it’s just a waiting game;
    She wants to scream and yell–
    “The little wench will surely bleed,
    And then she’ll burn in Hell!”

    The window’s shadows disappear,
    And minutes feel like days;
    Betrayal is gnawing at her stomach,
    Like the food at cabarets.
    Anticipation sparks her nerves,
    Revenge will be so sweet;
    She’s swallowed down this treachery,
    Until she’s utterly replete.

    Her fingers grip the frigid metal,
    As footsteps fill her ears;
    She can smell the acrid perfume,
    Of the cyprian as she nears.
    She cocks the gun in her hand,
    And relishes in the ‘click’;
    The barrel heavy in her palm,
    The clock begins to tick.

    As the figure passes by her,
    So blissfully unaware,
    She reaches out and grabs her
    By dishevelled golden hair.
    Before the slut can try to fight,
    The gun is against her temple;
    Even in her wildest dreams,
    She never thought it’d be this simple.

    She ignores the pleading whimpers,
    And warns her not to scream;
    Her lips twist in a sadistic smile,
    Like the cat that got the cream.
    “Did you think I’d let you get away?
    Leave you perched upon your stool?
    You thought that you’d get everything,
    But now look who’s the fool.”

    The words were bitter in her mouth,
    And she dodged the floozy’s kick;
    She released her hatred with a ‘bang’,
    And blood splattered on the brick.
    In satisfaction grim she spat,
    Not even feeling shame,
    “That’s for sleeping with my husband…
    Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”




    Submitted on 2007-02-06 06:51:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      *Forms A Cheshire Cat Like Smile*
    And this is why...Miss Mandi Gayle that you're under my Favorites when it comes to poetry.
    Alas...Another piece that rouses the inner emotions.
    I love it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by theDevilsPocket | [ Reply to This ]
      SH*T THAT WAS GOOD! I JUST SMILE WHEN THE BAD ONE DIES HAHA..I THINK THAT B*ITCH DESERVED IT (IF SHE KNEW THAT HE WAS TAKEN) ANYWAY I REALLY ENJOYED THIS POEM! WENT BY FAST LIKE A STORY WITH GREAT RHYTHM AND FLOW JUST MADE ME EXCITED AND THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD LIKE IF I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE. I REALLY LIKED ALL THE WORDS YOU PUT TOGETHER AND HOW YOU ELAINED SUCH A HORIFIC CRIME PUTTING INSANITY AND PAIN IN WORDS. GREAT TITLE BTW

    GREAT JOB!
    | Posted on 2007-02-16 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      of course i saw the "Blood Spatter" and i had to come like... instantly. i really liked this; the flow made it seem like a catchy song as i started reading. the mental picture was great and it played out like a movie perfectly.

    my only minor fixes are the same as predator's.

    overall, great job.
    | Posted on 2007-02-15 00:00:00 | by Nero_s Decay | [ Reply to This ]
      yipes...


    kinda psychotic in a boiling someone's pet rabbit sort of way...

    i rather liked it.
    especially the nuresry rhyme quality it exudes...
    | Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha! --my reaction when I finished reading this poem.

    I really, realy enjoyed this. I like the rhyming flow and the broad vocabulary. Made reading it so much more enjoyable and interesting.

    This is perfect as it is an needs no critiqing in my opinion. Give yourself a pat on the back!
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Itzunori | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the idea here. Personally I don't go for the ABAB rhyming thing or for strict meter but for a lot of this you pull it off well.

    However some parts could have been better executed.

    The line "But she’s done let the Devil in" feels forced and I think you might be better finding something else here.

    I hope the "Like the food at cabarets" part was designed to get a laugh because it definitely made me smile.

    When you say "utterly replete" it feels like the utterly is there purely for the meter and it doesn't feel right.

    The line "Of the cyprian as she nears" would probably fit better as "Of the cyprian who nears".

    Anyways, you get the impression. Just a few recommendations. I think if you revised this, tidied the meter where things are forced and cut a few clichés it would be very good.

    I enjoyed reading all the same :)
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
      NICE.Loved the imagery. The tension you described the anticipation all written excellent. Cant pick a certain part that i liked the best because it was very well written. You read it fast to see whats going to happen next. Grabbed my attention all the way until the end. Only thing that trip me up but easliy fixed is,"She never though it’d be this simple".though should have a t on the end. i read that twice and went back to reread . Good work.

    | Posted on 2007-02-06 00:00:00 | by TammyAnnBruton | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! GO BYTCH GO! You totally could see the ending coming, I was waiting for the surprise. But you went for the gusto and the little whore got got! I like this alot. Imagery and vocabulary were both tremendous. Niceness.

    Solar
    | Posted on 2007-02-06 00:00:00 | by solararia | [ Reply to This ]


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