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    dots Submission Name: abandon.dots

    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 35
    Class/Type: Poetry/You left me
    Total Views: 915
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 269

       third metaphor poem for creative writing.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    a little baby girl sits
    in the middle of the floor
    half-naked and hungry,
    cold thumb in mouth
    her face tear-streaked
    and dirty with the image
    of mommy walking
    out the door--
    abandonment perfected.

    Submitted on 2007-02-07 08:44:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Consider revising: maybe a little more insight into the mother. where is the father? perhaps remove the first "abondon" because it closes the poem as well.

    Praises: the piece is powerful because it has to be. it is very emotional but very short and you must choose words that are powerful and direct. you do that very well here throughout with the solid description of the child and then moving very fluidly to the reason why she is crying. the best part to me is the ending. it brings the whole poem full circle.

    Overall: (B) again, your poem sights a particular target and hits it quite well. your language and tone are consistent again. though the poem doesn't make me "feel" for this situation - it seems to be crafted fairly well. i suppose if there was some more criticism, try and make me feel something else - sadness or anger.

    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. this piece really struck me. Its dark, its perfectly written and...I love it. Not because its all morbid and I like that sort of stuff but because it is just...amazing.

    congrats. i might add it to my favs...
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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