''10th circle of meditation'' by crazyphreshone

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Submission Name: ''10th circle of meditation'' dots

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Author:	crazyphreshone
ASL Info:	31/M/NewYork
Elite Ratio:	4.42 - 66/70/30
Words:	150

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	232
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1028

Description:

''10th circle of meditation'' dots

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peace in the moment
that shatters like glass,
breeze of cool air
that melts in the past,

thinner are my words that fall upon paper,
words from my mouth
that dissapate like vapor...

shadows get longer,
the night grows older,
angel of darkness over my shoulder.
wispers in my ear,
beckons me to follow,
six feet deep beneath the hollow.
apart from the earth,
where i now stand,
somewhere abreast where life began...

devils may cry for the fortunate ones,
and smile in the face of the unfortunate sons.
angels may weep for the ones who lost a soul,
nestle on the shoulder of those who seen it all...

angels and demons,
upon us they perch,
heaven and hell,
for which we constantly search.

pasturized soul leaves
an impression of a face,
we're right where we belong,
right out of place...

Submitted on 2007-02-07 12:25:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Despitre the fact that the stanzas are uneven, which made me a little uneasy, i really liked this piece.

The part that bothered me the most, i believe, was the stanza that is a bit longer than the others. it doesnt flow and seems a bit forced.

but anyway-

i like things that rhyme =]

and this isn't one of those cliché rhymes so i was rather impressed.

My favore it part:

"we're right where we belong,
right out of place..."

Love that!

veruh nice, veruh nice indeed =]

+Moz+
| Posted on 2008-02-19 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
  The "10th Circle of Meditation" as opposed to Dante Alighieri's 9 Circles of Hell? And perhaps you're above all of this, looking down on it with a philosophic eye? That's what I infer from the title, and whether that was your intention or not... well, that's what I got.

Throughout, you manage to keep a fairly rhythmic pace, the rhyme pretty nicely done in my opinion. A couple of places where it seemed slightly over-long when sounded out, but overall, I think it's solid.

Just a few typos (in case you were interested in fixing them): dissipate, whispers, pasteurized.

The end is what brought it home for me, and it's something I too feel occasionally at times: that overwhelming sense that we as a people or I as an individual really are/am out of place in all senses of the word.

It seems like this Meditation... is Limbo for you, caught between, pondering it all.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed reading this. I like your imagery here, and the vocabulary was nice. I like the mix-n-match structure, oddly, 'cause normally it annoys me, but here, it just seemed perfect.

"devils may cry for the fortunate ones,
and smile in the face of the unfortunate sons.
angels may weep for the ones who lost a soul,
nestle on the shoulder of those who seen it all..."

I think the first two lines of this are okay, but the last two kind of threw off the rhythm a bit I think, I seemed to stumble over them. Just my opinion though...

But I really enjoyed this write, and I think you did a wonderful job :)

Cheers and happy writing!

~Mandi~
| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
  tenth circle.
very zen.
it's better than hell's eight acres...

it's like dancing at a pow-wow
that out of sync
lurch that one does to keep up with the others

that self concious twinge
the feeling that someone is looking over your shoulder
trying to keep up, themselves...

| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I really really liked this. It just makes me think about my place in life. But this is true though, the ending that is, we all find ourselves right out of place. Possibly my favorite lines are lines 8 through 16. It just really puts the image of darkness swirly around with shadows everywhere dancing across the walls and floors reflecting my confused inner self and an angel dressed in a black robe with purple black wings whispering for me to come to my grave and there's dust everywhere *where life began more or less, as Adam was made from dust*. It's just really good and I can't quite describe what I mean. Its just really really good.

Nicely done.

Zach
| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
  peace in the moment
that shatters like glass,
breeze of cool air
that melts in the past,

I like the image of peace literally shattering like glass, but I am not certain of the cool air melting. I can't get my head around that.

Throughout the middle of the poem, you keep most of it consistent, I think you did a great job in these lines. It told what you wanted, kept its flow and gave good imagery.

pasturized soul leaves
an impression of a face,
we're right where we belong,
right out of place...

I like the ending simply because it implies that we're not suppose to know what is going on. From a religious perspective this is great. I tend to enjoy the opposing point of this too...well written.

sincerest affections
ava

| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by madhatress | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm - I may be projecting from my own experience but
a) if ur meditation is of the 'centering' variety you're gonna want to put other people and concerns out of your mind. You can't be out of place because there is no place - no good no evil no nothing. That's the whole point
b) if ur meditation is of the ez-wider variety i used to favor, this makes perfect sense

Either way the imagery is OC - pasteurized soul? Love it.

shard

| Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]

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