Description: well, i said in my journal that i was gonna write a poem about my stomach virus...so here it is peeps
its stupid of course i mean it only took three min.
to write
what do you expect?
the room starts to spin
as i loose sight again
i put my hand on my mouth
as my my knees travel south
she said she wasn't sick anymore
so she came and slept with me anyway,
stupid whore.
now there are hornets in my head
i left my sanity back in bed
as my stomach empties it's contents
i suppose her coming over wasn't smartest
my face is red
my mouth is dead
i hiccup
as the irony of it all starts to pick up
now my fever is 102
stupid bitch, i fucking hate you
look at me
it even hurts just to pee
don't you see what you've done to me?
now i think i 'll go lay down
as my head continues to pound
echoing through my body is the sound
is that what my eyes look like
looks like my fucking drink was spiked
her fucking body i never really had liked
but i was bored
i just wanted to score
and now
my head's still in the pot
hurting you is my only plot
i see now there ain't nothing to gain from cutting you
but bitch don't ever fucking call me again
if you do
i swear
i'll sue
WoW, 3 minutes? You must write fast. Isn't it kinda funny that you can only read the "are you drunk" thing when you're actaully drunk for it to make sense? Well happy now, I actaully did what you said(getting me to listen is a feet few have accomplished, congratualtions on making that very short list). Yeah, sickness sux, but at least than you can down Nyquil without getting dirty looks from people. INteresting piece, I must admit, straight forward, yet still abstract, very different, chillage! Hope she was worth it!
I like how you told what's going on for a few lines and then switched back to what you thought about that person. It seems that the reader is getting sick and then has this hatred for this chick. The tragic of a stomache virus can go many ways, and you showed it externally. Hah, no joke intended.
In some places it does rhyme and it doesn't. I would of liked it more if it followed some sort of pattern, but that's just my two cents. Usually there's usually the AABBCC pattern or ABAB or even the ABABCC. People like to hear some sort of pattern till the end, but it seems that you went with the freestyle way with a few segments rhyming. Eh, I would of went with either way unless you broke up some parts into little stanzas. Again, just my two cents.
"the room starts to spin
as i loose sight again
i put my hand on my mouth
as my my knees travel south"
This is one of the action parts I'm talking about. You start off right away with action going on without shedding some light on the topic except for the title. Just reading these four lines, you give me the feeling that I'm going to be naucious (sp). Curently, I don't feel like eating at all.
"she said she wasn't sick anymore
so she came and slept with me anyway,
stupid whore."
For one, I don't like inviting people over period. Second, I really dislike sick people over, even if they are related. I don't want your sickness, bleh. This is your first thought part. The first and third lines rhyme which leave the second one out. Puncuation really helps here though. You read on till the end of the second line, then comma "stupid whore". It's introducing one idea after the other.
"now there are hornets in my head
i left my sanity back in bed
as my stomach empties it's contents
i suppose her coming over wasn't smartest
my face is red
my mouth is dead
i hiccup
as the irony of it all starts to pick up
now my fever is 102"
Okay I clumped these lines together because I want to talk about all the things that happened here before your thoughts of the person. I believe the first two lines really work together, it's not crudely strung together. The feelings of hornets intensify how much it would hurt. All the buzzing must of been a killer. Bed with a bucket on the side is where you really wanna be when you are sick. I lied, there was a thought about that girl, but in this case, you needed to complement the action before it which I thought was pretty grusome to think. My face doesn't get red, but I do share the same problem with my mouth. It irritates me much when it's dry and it desires wierd cravings. 102 doesn't sound so much from 98. It's just 4 more degrees. You could of used exageration for that part for the more "excited" audiences.
"stupid [censored], i [censored] hate you
look at me
it even hurts just to pee
don't you see what you've done to me?
now i think i 'll go lay down"
Ha, the vocabulary is quite "bright". I guess if it's an angry note to an ex-friend, it's suitable. Does it hurt when you pee when you get some stomache virus. I've never heard of that happening. Also, I would like to know if this person knows that you hate her. Does she feel any remorse for what she has given you?
"as my head continues to pound
echoing through my body is the sound
is that what my eyes look like
looks like my [censored] drink was spiked"
I do get to that stage where you start to hear something pound nearby and you know it isn't someone banging on the window or doors. I also want to know if this person was someone you encountered. She could of been some rapist at large or something.
"her [censored] body i never really had liked
but i was bored
i just wanted to score"
If you want something, you mind as well want something that you really like. I'm not saying that the most beautiful things of life aren't dangerous or the best. You should always try to find something you like and you will always cherish. Having sex is overrated and being bored is too. Those two things together spell lots of trouble for one person to handle. You might of contracted something from her.
"my head's still in the pot
hurting you is my only plot
i see now there ain't nothing to gain from cutting you
but [censored] don't ever [censored] call me again
if you do
i swear
i'll sue"
And again, I clumped a bunch of lines together as it is needed. Ha, I only thought that old people said pot. When I first read it, I thought you were smoking some pot while you were sick or something. I'm not sure that I've heard about people with a stomache virus smoking pot; sounds like a very interesting idea indeed. Yes, you don't gain anything from cutting the girl. You might of contracted something from her like a parasite. Most likely, jail would of been something to look forward to if you did slice her. It would of been pretty awkward if you answered the phone and it was the girl. Inside, you really want to say crap to her face, but it can't come out. If indeed it does, you just contracted "word vomit". The last three lines made me laugh. You get all the way down and then you get to sueing. Sure, you thought of it, but...eh. Just eh.
I had a few problems with this poem, but I thought, none the less, it was okay. It's not an attention beggar, it just wants to be what it is; a piece of work bent on telling the story of sickness. I'm the kind of person that also capitalizes the first word of every line. It would of been like that if you had used more puncuation, but you could exunt that. In some parts where you did use puncuation, it was superb.
Very funny and yet so sad at the same time. Not sad in the literal sense but I think you know what I am getting at.
Hope this wasn't from first hand experience. Because that would be tragic and even funnier.
Best wishes.
Nice pretty good... Well ya you left me a comment so I thought I would leave you a comment... And ya I'm sorry about some of the spelling errors but I usualy only am able to get on a computer at school so I hide this window so i cant realy see what I am typing.. It sux.. So ya you should come and check out some of my stuff and tell me what you like.... Keep up the writting!
stomach viruses are the [censored]in worst~hope it all clears up for you!! lol..sorry not taking pleasue in your pain...or maybe I am..oh well..anyways..snappy write! keep on writing :)
Submission Name: SICKNESS
