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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: burndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mr.Ordinary
    ASL Info:    21/M/Navy
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 64/102/41
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 752
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 416



    Description:
       just another one where i timed myeslf for five min and came up with how i felt. it allways helps to write it down.(no one i know truly fits this i just dont want all these weird thoughts in my mind.)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsburndots
    -------------------------------------------


    get out of my face,
    get out of my life
    otherwise ill stab you with
    my big long knife.

    i hate your guts
    i hate your games
    i hate the fact they let
    you breathe

    i love
    well not you,you see
    for you have allways hated me

    or at least this is what you say
    but then you must have
    been lieing to me everyday.




    Submitted on 2007-02-07 22:50:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is so wild and random and crazy. I loved it. it's nice to get things off your chest, and just go crazy with it. I don't think you can count grammar and spelling on a poem like this. If you have 5 minutes, you can't exactly plan it out, go over it a million times, and make sure its perfect.

    Overall, nice poem, and i think i should try the 5 minute thing, it might help with all these thoughts I have in my head.

    Nice Write
    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2008-04-28 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this. i have deffinatly been there. all i can say is life goes on with or without you. Nice poem i lived it. nice structure and grammar. It could stand to have been a little longer but it was still a great poem. Good Job.
    | Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by Demon__666 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, "lieing" is not a word. It's actually 'lying' just so you know.

    This has good potential, if you could just revise it up a bit, use some more original descriptions and imagery. The beginning of it starts out very cliché:

    "get out of my face,
    get out of my life
    otherwise ill stab you with
    my big long knife."

    It gives the poem a very juvenile feel.

    I's are supposed to be capitalised as well, and I think you meant I'll instead of "ill"

    You got your emotions across, and I could really feel it in this, so nice job there. Keep on writing and playing with words :) As I said, it has the potential to go from good to great.

    Cheers and God bless,

    ~Mandi~
    | Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]


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