it was clever but it felt blank to me. i dont know if im just in a sensitive mood but i didnt feel anything from this. so in the end i didnt like it mainly because it was like a cold steel rail (excuse that...im listening to pink floyd right now) and i didnt get much out of it despite the excellent wording.
I'm not entirely sure I get this one. "Coherence is optional," eh? You've got interesting imagery, but I think there may be a few...punctuation difficulties in here.