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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sequoia Whispersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 760
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 6865



    Description:
       working title...
    continuing to experiment with shorter
    pieces...
    i am new to poetry and i have just read a couple of cummings' poems and have been thus inspired
    to use concrete form with this piece...
    wrote this in a cvs parking lot in 5 minutes.
    all suggestions are welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSequoia Whispersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    s
    till
                   n
              i
         g
              h
                   t
    S     w     A     l     l     O     w     S
    s
         e
              q
                   u
                        o
                             i
                                  A
                                  W

                             H

                        I

                   S

              P

         E

              R

                   S

    S          R          B          L          N
         C          I          B          I          G

    sac                              red
                                            m
                                       u
                                  s
                             e


                                  d
                             r
                        a
                   w
              y
         k
    s

    stars                                             e
                                                 p
                                            i
                                       p
                                  h
                             a
                        n
                             o
                                  u
                                       s
    sonnets

    s
    e
    r
    e
    n
    a
    d
    i
    n
    g
         moon




    Submitted on 2007-02-08 22:28:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with digital flower in that this one was a little hard to read- for example my eye was reading downward until the word skyward and then i tried to read it downward too so it read like this... drawyks... i was like, "what is drawyks?" haha... but nevertheless it was clever cause like you have to read it going skyward.

    there were a couple of other times where i did the same thing as well but i am a ditz so that doesn't matter.

    i would like to say that i am proud of you. you are really pursuing this seriously. i can tell that you are experimenting with styles and subject matters and that you are really putting that e. e. cummings book to good use! thanks for the write my love!

    cynthia
    | Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha, awesome... this must've taken you ages to format. Perhaps you could repost your original version as well so people can compare, and tell you which one they like best? I like the artistic license you've given this, but I also like the original simplicity of your first.

    Not much to say, except cool stuff.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-02-11 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      mmm hard to read but I already know what it is about
    but
    it adds a certain beauty and freeness to it
    it actually reminds me a lot of a book called house of leave by mark z danielawski (sp?) he uses that style while his characters enter a certain level of going insane and to show how the house is literally and metaphorically falling apart along with the peoples lives lol idk youll have to read it
    but back to the topic at hand
    must of taken you forever to do that lol
    and i agree with the other person it is kinda like leaves blowing around in the wind free and careless.
    | Posted on 2007-02-10 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]
      s
    till
    n
    i
    g
    h
    t
    S w A l l O w S
    s
    e
    q
    u
    o
    i
    A
    W

    H

    I

    S

    P

    E

    R

    S

    S R B L N
    C I B I G

    sac red
    m
    u
    s
    e


    d
    r
    a
    w
    y
    k
    s

    stars e
    p
    i
    p
    h
    a
    n
    o
    u
    s

    sonnets

    s
    e
    r
    e
    n
    a
    d
    i
    n
    g
    moon




    I'm monumentally stunned at the formatting of this write, John Paul. Were you by any chance mimicking leaves as they swirled in a breeze, or was it the wind itself you were portraying here? It may only be me, but I believe a less radical modification of this might be the best way to present a short write. In any case, it is good to see you experiment with differing styles and formats.

    Take care, J.P.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with, digitalflower. The shorter form lends itself toward the far reaching language and is easy to digest and savour. I also felt that "sonnet" seemed out of place. For me that's because a sonnet is complex and so doesn't strike me as being as immediate as some other forms.

    Really enjoyed this one, JP

    DB
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      good one man
    short and sweet but its good because it makes it not over done
    i don't really lik ethe sonnet line itjust doesn't seem to fit for me
    i woulda putin something else about the universe and how vast and huge it is or maybe the other planets
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by digitalflower | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    134337

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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